ME: We rescued her from the pound, but I often ask myself “who saved who?”
DOG: We’ve been over this…it’s “Who saved ‘whom’.”
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hackers play passwordle
*thinks every animal is a type of dog*
*sees a cat* scratch dog
*sees a parrot* talk dog
*sees a worm* spaghetti dog
It’s terribly sad, but the fact that the graphic had to be added is due to the shockingly low literacy rate among geese.
I had an erotic dream last night that my house was clean.
*returns tent to Target*
CASHIER: What was the problem?
ME: The packing implied that there would be a family that loves me inside the tent
*tops off beautiful woman’s wine glass* But what if you could, Sharon, what if you could control the cat with a Nintendo Power Glove?
i’m so sorry sir, but we here at chase bank don’t accept gun-for-money exchanges. and we need an amount, not just “all the money you got”
There’s a spider that’s been in the same place on my living room wall for an hour so he’s essentially also watching Shrek.
Occupational therapist: What is your favorite part of the newspaper?
Son: The end.
My teen son told me that he plans on talking like Chewbacca if a teacher calls on him today, so I guess I better start practicing my Wookiee for that parent teacher phone call later today.
Lost my chapstick today, but a few hours later I found one on the floor of a men’s room at an interstate rest-area. Looks like my luck is finally turning around.
Wife *yelling from other room* you’re making bread? Why are you making bread?
Me: Everyone in lockdown is doing it
Duck *holding gun* good answer
Age 20: Gotta get ripped for Spring Break!
Age 25: Exercise reduces stress!
Age 35: My doctor says I’ll die immediately if I don’t do this
Calm down, people on FB who ran the Detroit marathon. I’d be running a shit load too if I were in Detroit.
Can I come over. I got the zoomies and you have an open floor plan
FRIEND: i have this great new detox system
it’s all natural and actually works i swearME: is it your liver & kidneys?
i bet it’s your liver & kidneys
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes, now I have Heinz sight
Apparently “You should Google it” isn’t the best response when she asks how much do you love me?
Sigh, women are so demanding..
“Chantal, is the indicator working?”
“Yes. Wait, no. Now again yes. No. Yes. No.”#FridayMorning #RubbishJokes
Virgo: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
Wife: You have no friends
Me: Of course I do
Wife: Family, Neighbors, Coworkers and those Twitter people don’t count.
Me: 🤔
[crime show]
DETECTIVE: It looks like the guy that inserts dramatic music into our show has been..*Flintstones theme song plays*
Murdered
Just discovered my 7yo wearing his underwear backwards again. Playing classical music while pregnant is bullshit.
“bill gates wants to microchip me” u are not interesting enough to be microchipped paul no one cares that u go to bass pro shop 8 times a week
I watched DJ Khaled on SNL and I still have absolutely no idea what it is he does exactly.
I put sea salt on my seafood, so they can be reunited. Because I like happy endings.
You have an October wedding, I’m bringing a 12 ft skeleton as my plus-one, Tamantha.
Sometimes I open my dog’s giant food bag with a knife so she is impressed with my kibble hunting skills.
I forgot my phone…
2005: I don’t need to be that accessible
2010: Let’s make this a short trip
2015: OH MY GOD, WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE
I put a potato down my pants to impress a girl. Next time I’ll put it down the front.