Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I used to have poor judgement before Twitter, now I have poorer judgment

People who think only God can judge them have obviously never met my mother-in-law.

In all honesty, my new dating service, “Well You’re Not So Great Yourself” hasn’t really taken off like I’d hoped.

I have a new favorite conspiracy theory

This empty can of Cheese Whiz will now be known as Cheese Was.

girls don’t even dress up for Halloween, they just put a black outfit and choose between devil horns or cat ears

I threw a dart at a map to pick a vacation spot and shattered the hell out of my phone screen.

can’t imagine the number of vampires that have been run over since back up cameras on cars were invented.

Cop: “There’s an outstanding warrant out for your arrest.”

Me: *blushes* “I knew it was good but ‘outstanding’? Thank you, officer!”

Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you wonder what crazy foot deformity she has that her shoes won’t fit anyone else in the kingdom.

“If your father asks you to pick up 5 large bags of ice, the best place to put them is in the backyard in direct sun”

~My son apparently

When you’re totalitarian but still want people to have choices…

volunteer in charge: we are gonna walk around and search for clues about the missing girl.
guy who just bought a new fly fishing rod: we should check the lake first

If you’re ever bored in a taxi I recommend mouthing, “Help Me” to strangers and watching their facial expressions

🤣😂🤣

just took a call from a patient whose bday was 04/20/1969 and had him repeat it to me 3 times

Found out today my ex girlfriend married a successful businessman. I’m probably better off without her, seems like she has ambition and standards

Twitter is fun because you get to be like, “Ducks are good” and someone in your mentions will go, “Um, I’m sorry but my brother is married to a duck scientist and this is a harmful view” and then someone else pops up going, “Your silence about horses is extremely telling”

Told my roommate that megamillions was up to $825 million and she said, “yeah but that’s only $400 million after taxes”. Our kitchen is in our living room.

Dating is just wondering why some people are single and figuring it out.

Parent pro tip: Beware of the child who cleans their room without being prompted. They are about to ask to borrow money.

*admires David at the museum* I can’t believe a teenage mutant ninja turtle sculpted this

I think airplanes would be way cooler if the wings flapped like a bird

As much as I love making terrible science puns I understand why they need to be periodically tabled

I’m not saying breakfast tacos are the cure but I’ve had breakfast tacos every day for 2 weeks and I’m COVID19 free, you do the math.

I’d say at least 10% of parenting is smelling stuff.

modern restaurant names either tell you everything about them or nothing. It’s either ‘meat and bread’ or it’s ‘effervescent’ but either way you’re paying $16 for a cocktail

Just in case you’re thinking about having kids, I just broke up an argument about “excessive angry blinking” at each other.

There’s so much pollen in the air covering everything with a blanket of yellow dust that I thought my wife went blonde.