Me: We should do more traveling this year
Bank account: Like as an Uber driver?
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My spirit animal is an upturned turtle.
Me: I’m really at the end of my rope
Executioner: HOW ARE YOU TALKING
If I could live vicariously through someone, I would pick someone who gets to sleep through the night.
Big Sex has us all fooled
Never go out with a flight attendant,
all you’ll get for breakfast is a bag of peanuts and instant coffee.
The fact that I start clapping every time someone says “Please give me a hand” is only like the number 6 reason I dont have friends.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: No idea. I pretty much just zone out whenever I’m behind the wheel. Did anyone die?
Can you people that don’t use your own picture for an avi stop flirting for crying out loud a lighthouse hit on me this morning!
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
lifeguard pulling me to shore: what
My wife told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer.
I said, “No, wait! I can change.”
thanksgiving should be called feaster
Me: “What’s your favorite shoe brand?”
Person: “Converse.”
Me: “We’re already talking.”
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them.
This is not a coincidence.
I talk in my sleep according to my phone bill.
The Rock missed a huge opportunity not naming his daughter “Pebbles.”
When you were young, Adele? You’re 28.
Shut the hell up.
inmate: hey man why so sad
me: my mom brought me a cake but the warden made me share it with everyone
inmate: didn’t you get a piece though?
me: not the one with the file in it
I wish this was real life…
Money can’t buy you love, but it can buy you toilet paper.
Which is basically the same thing.
Then there were 3 sets of footprints & God said “This is Deb. She answered my Craigslist ad & U r the one who said we should try new things”
Life is short. Beat it up and steal its lunch money.
I should start a wine company and name the bottles things like “don’t be sad” “he’s not worth it” “you deserve better”!
I took the battery out of my biological clock and put it in the TV remote.
Grocery store just charged me $0.10 to offset the environmental impact of my bag and then gave me a paper receipt 3 feet long.
Welcome to your 50’s.
I thought I saw a werewolf in my bathroom this morning then realized I forgot to pluck that one crazy chin hair.
Happy Halloween!
One minute without you feels like 60 seconds.
“Daddy, why do dogs need whiskers?”
-my 7-year-old son, while discreetly holding scissors in one hand and dog whiskers in the other
Acquaintance: If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Me: Into the Witness Protection Program.
Autocorrect changed ‘get a life’ to ‘get a wife’ and now my daughter is a lesbian.
The life cycle of pickles:
Day 1: Wife buys pickles
Day 1: I eat picklesDay 2: I replace pickles
Day 2: I eat picklesDay 3: Wife notices missing pickles
Day 3: Both buy pickles
Day 3: I eat pickles