ME: we should do this agai-
DATE: im busy that day
You Might Also Like
If I were a Scooby Doo villain, I’d take the whole thing to court. How hard can it be to overturn the testimony of 4 kids who talk to a dog?
Whenever I see the words “horse-drawn carriage” I wonder if the horse’s artistic output was limited to means of transportation, or he also did cartoons.
99% of the time I have zero understanding of how people are using “iykyk”. “Eating some ice cream iykyk.” Well I certainly thought I knew about ice cream. I thought *everybody* knew about ice cream
Why did they call it “conjugal visit” when “guilty pleasure” was right there?
My dog gets anxiety and bites her nails and it’s weird because she doesn’t even have bills, chores, social media, or a husband.
Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.
Teach a man to fish, and you’ll have the weekends to yourself.
“There are hot Shingles in your area”
– My Doctor
Sniffing the broccoli
That’s so nice of Activia to offer a money back guarantee. Am I supposed to send them pictures of myself not shitting?
The lady in the spice commercial was haphazardly pouring her vanilla extract. Do you know how much vanilla extract costs, lady?
I get lots of strange looks because not only do I laugh at inappropriate times but I’m a very loud laugher, it’s a real detriment when you think of a joke while having sex.
christ, it is impossible for anyone to be on a ghost hunting show and not have it be hilarious
it’s just something about the genre that makes people wander around in the dark shouting angrily at ghosts on nightvision and then screaming and running away when a door creaks
ADELE: hello from the outside
ME (closing blinds): a restraining order means nothing to that woman
At a kids’ birthday party. With my kid.
He abandoned me and I don’t know how to talk to the parents
I’m like Jason Bourne, only I’m not looking for exits in each room.. I’m looking for outlets & phone chargers.
I miss the days before the internet, when you didn’t know some person’s every awful thought until they died and you cleaned out their attic.
the real reason howl kept his castle moving was tax evasion
Really, there’s no need to ever take your kids anywhere fun because they can just sit and complain at home for a lot less money.
Animal poetry
[1st day as judge]
Murderer: [waves at me]
Me [waves back]: He seems nice
Lawyer: He killed six people
Me: He probably didn’t mean it
Sorry I used the word flaccid twice in your wedding toast.
ME: I’ll have an Irish Coffee
BARTENDER: Sure thing *drops a potato into a regular coffee*
MY NECK, MY BACK, A STRANGER TOOK MY CAT
Me: if we stay on budget for the next few months we’ll be back on track
My bathroom pipes: good plan, right after you fix this leak
The guy who cut me off then slammed on his brakes just got pulled over and I wasn’t expecting this level of joy today
booking flights on a phone is crazy. that is a laptop activity
Whelp. It’s December. That time of year when I have zero excuse for being so sweaty.
Oh so when Van Helsing kills a vampire he’s a hero, but when I do it I’m “ruining Halloween”
What’s the difference between a cranky two-year-old and a duckling?
One is a whiny toddler, and the other is a tiny waddler!