me: we should get some flowers for our new apartment
gf: orchids
me: whoa we should get married first
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[Genetics Lab]
Me: One designer baby, please
Doctor: It’s not like that, you..
Me: Please remove the pooping and crying functions
Doctor: What? No, you can’t…
Me: Give it wings and flamethrowers
Doctor:
Me: I’m gonna call her Claire
[on a date]
*showing her pics of my pet lizards*
ME: “and I named this one Queen Elizardbeth”
HER: “I must have sex with you immediately”
[After first teeth cleaning since lockdown]
Okay. Weigh me now
Banking tips
if you’re not easily offended, why are you even here?
next time ur embarrassed about something u did in the past just know that everyone remembers and still thinks about it too. in fact we were just talking about it the other night
Honestly people shouldn’t even be allowed to talk until they’re like 35 years old.
I only want to be cremated if they use real cream.
STUDENT: Will there be a final?
PROFESSOR: Does a bear shit in the woods?
BEAR STUDENT: *from the back row* Thats none of your damn business
white people writing latinos in fics: i kissed my ten brothers and sisters goodbye and stepped out of my pueblo on the way to school. i blast gasolina in my headphones as i walk past the mariachi band. sometimes it’s hard para me to creer because i olvidar a switch languages
remembering the time i crashed an oscar watching party with a handful of TV people in los feliz and brought a tres leches cake as my offering to have one of the actors stand up and declare it was “DAIRY” with a measure of disgust
How much wood would Steve Winwood win if Steve Winwood could win wood?
If I owned a moving company, I’d call it ‘Van Gogh.’
Her: I like the man-horsey in this film. He’s hot.
Me: Centaur.
H: What?
M: Centaur
H: Is that his name?
M: I want a divorce.
DRAGON: get AWAY from me
ME: let me pet ur scales pls
DRAGON: I don’t even KNOW u
ME: breathe fire on me
DRAGON: *is creeped out*
I backed my car away from the intersection so a jogger could run by and they waved at me THREE times.
In my head, we are now married and have two children, Charles and Ariel.
Barber: ok that will be $900
Chewbacca: (chewbacca noise)
Frenchmen, still hiding inside The Statue of Liberty: soon.
Never tell a woman you’re infatuated with her. All she’ll hear is “fat”.
All I ask is that when I’m murdered, you make my chalk outline four sizes smaller.
therapist: a lot of my clients are feeling that way right now
me: ok rank us
[First Date]
HER: Do you consider yourself a feminist?
ME: Oh I’m not feminist at all!
HER:
ME: In fact, some of my best friends are women.
*Husband forgets to close screen on door*
*4 hrs later*
Me: *feels furriness on my leg in bed*
*rolls over*
Squirrel: *stares*
Was just called down to Human Resources.
Apparently replying “Unsubscribe” to every email I get is frowned upon.
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
Fun trick: Swap guacamole with wasabi, then watch.
happy mother’s day here is the result of my mom voice texting while talking to her dog
1st wise man: I brought gold for the baby
2nd wise man: [hiding frankincense behind his back] actually that gold is from both of us
Cool. Work is offering a webinar called Why Sleep Matters, and it takes place Friday at 5am.
Priest: I want to teach you about a higher power
Kid: my dad?
Priest: haha no, even more powerful
Kid *nodding* mom