me: we should have a housewarming party
dad: [moving to block the thermostat] a what now
You Might Also Like
No parenting books prepared me for the exhaustion of constantly being excited about the mundane stuff that blows my 4 year old’s mind. Wow, a red pen! Wow, our cat! Wow, a slice of cheese with holes in it!
Southerners don’t use contractions like “y’all” and “young’n” out of laziness. Most of us are just too poor to afford entire words.
After 17 years I can say with authority that the key to a long marriage is being too lazy to get up off the couch and set your spouse on fire
“How do you normally handle criticism about your sarcasm?”
Oh, suuuuuuper well, homie.
Me: This relationship feels very transactional.
Cashier: You gonna buy the gum or what??
No matter how busy my Sunday gets, I always manage to set aside time to panic about Monday.
There is no doubt in my mind, I would trade my ovaries for another liver.
Me: I’m sad my favorite beef jerky has been making my stomach hurt.
Husband: Maybe you shouldn’t eat the whole bag.
Me: No one asked you.
I keep my punching bag next to the fridge to let out my anger when there’s nothing to eat.
Them: Can you describe yourself in five words?
Me: Stay at home couch accessory.
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
My cats woke me up at 3am fighting so while they’re trying to sleep it off I think I’ll spend the whole day vacuuming
Then suddenly you’re a mom declaring ownership over swept dirt on the kitchen floor yelling DON’T YOU DARE WALK THROUGH MY DIRT PILE
Interviewer: Your resume says your desired job is “sinecure.” Did you mean to use a different word there?
Me: Did I misuse that word? Ha, sorry about that!
Interviewer: No problem, ha ha.
Me: What I meant is that I want to get paid for doing almost no work.
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
Ten seconds into packing a box…aaaand I’ve lost the end of the tape
I got drunk with my dad once and I asked him if his boner curved to the left too, he replied “No, you got that from your mother”. 🙁
Just saw a piece of jewelry made in 1982 described as “vintage” so I’ll be laying down the rest of the day
Material possessions mean nothing to me.
*breaks phone*
I don’t think I can make it through this week.
I vastly underestimated how many times my toddler would want to listen to Baby Shark on a cross-country road trip.
My eldest is at the age where she’s starting to ask questions. Tonight she started asking about Father Christmas. My wife calmly took her to another room to answer, leaving me with her younger siblings. We couldn’t hear so I still don’t know what’s up. Hope Santa is OK
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
date: so what do you do on the weekends.
me: mostly pet my cat.
date: oh your bio said you were a risk taker.
me: um yeah have you ever pet a cat.
customarily, clothes go in the hamper not next to it
It’s complicated.
-My response when someone asks if they can have one of my beers.
Daughter: So the night light will keep the monsters away, right?
Me: haha, no. It’s so they can see where you are. Sweet dreams.
Oh, you have ‘haterz.’
Congratulations. I have lovers. And the ability to spell.
Just sneezed, accidentally blew a snot bubble, dropped my phone, then tripped on the dog. Whoever has my voodoo doll is hilarious
I never go where I’m not wanted, unless you’re serving cake. If you’re serving cake I’ll be there either way.
ME: [getting pistol whipped] hey everyone, look at this idiot who thinks his gun is a whip