Me: we should name our firstborn son Blake
Her: but he’s been named Jeff for 24 years now
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My dog has been looking for a spot to shit since 1958.
Got a piece of mail today addressed to “Epic” instead of “Eric” and finally somebody truly gets me.
Attachment isn’t when 2 ppl chat night and day. When someone emails u and adds an image or data file with it,
THAT FILE IS CALLED ATTACHMENT
The only time I ever make a good call is when I order pizza
It seems that after checking my bank account, I need to turn to a life of crime
Welcome to your 40s: nice olive oil collection.
6yo: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you.
6yo: You’re the best mommy in the whole world!
Me: We may need to work on raising your standards if that’s your definition of “best.”
me: i’m so sad and hopeless and directionless
my brains: buy stuff
me: no listen i need a purpose
brain: a purchase?
Don’t make a mountain out of a molehill
Do it with mashed potatoes, then play keyboard for the aliens… I think my cough medicine expired
Guns don’t kill people. Cats don’t sew mittens. Houses don’t crap zebras. Lots of nouns don’t verb other nouns. This isn’t new information.
I have to eat my last meal of the day earlier and earlier as time goes by or I won’t be able to sleep at night
I had supper at 10:30 this morning today
Lmfaoooooo
U know how In a box of chocolates there’s always one disgusting one? That was my idea, I came up w that. “Put a gross one in there” I said
Me: I think you might have schizophrenia
Me: No I don’t
Took a bunch of ibuprofen to keep my tweets from being too inflammatory
A thief has removed all the motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently trying to find Leeds.
90% of parenting is making up rules. 10% is trying to remember them.
“How’s your love life?”
Well, I went on a date. 45 minutes in I realized it was a turtle in a wig.
“I’m sorry man”
it’s ok. still got laid.
“I wondered if I could use a study room that’s private and out of the line of sight where nobody can see or hear what I’m doing in there.”
“Well, since you put it that way, absolutely not.”
“So, which burner is your favorite? Mine is usually the back left.” -Me, trying to make friends in my 30’s
I studied karate, so now if I’m ever attacked I know multiple ways to warn my attackers that I studied karate.
Me: what do you want for dinner?
3yo: nothing.
Me: you want cheese on that nothing?
3yo: yes please.
Me: OMG! Everyone is dead!
Instructor: For the last time, you are late and it’s a yoga class.
Post natal depression is a serious condition. I’m 38 years old and my mum still bursts into tears every time she sees me.
Me: Our house is always so messy! What can we do?
Husband: I’m inclined to ask the kids to leave
Husband: Eat a carrot they are good for your eyes!
6: I’m good mommy thinks I look cute in my glasses.
Me: We should set up a play date
Hot dad at park: You have a kid?
Me: No, I said WE should
[being dragged out of a Spice Girls concert] AND SPORTY ISN’T AN ACTUAL SPICE EITHER
Did you try turning your relationship off and then back on again?