Me: we should probably go to bed
Friend: or we could drink more and stay up later at the small expense of our will to live in the morning
Me: ok
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Technically… It’s only illegal when you get arrested.
presenting your incognito window wrapped
The locals are gushing over my poor axe handling skills
*Meanwhile at a restaurant*
Waiter: Welcome sir, would you like a table?
Me: So kind of you, I wouldn’t mind.
*Picks table and walks out*
God: Build me an ark.
Noah: A what?
God *pinching his nose*: A big boat.
Noah *looking around the desert*: A what?
With the rise of self driving cars, it’s only a matter of time before we get a country song where the guy’s truck leaves him too.
Chicken salad with egg in it is my fave way to eat two generations.
If you see me at the bottom of a lake, mind your business. I’m relaxing.
Maybe she was born with it, maybe she was forged in the fires of Mount Doom.
FRIENDLY REMINDER: Frankenberry is not the cereal. He’s the guy who CREATED the cereal. The cereal is his monster.
For parents, college is the opposite of kidnapping. They demand $100,000 from you or they’ll send your kid back.
Is that a banana in your pocket or… oh wait that is a banana. Sir I’m with super market security. Please come with me.
[Taken Nemo]
*Clam phone rings*
Marliam Neeson: I have a particular set of gills. I don’t know who you are, but I will find Nemo.
This is literally the only instance I’ve ever seen someone “asking for it”
i NEVER VOTED FOR A PRESiDENT BECUZ iF iM GUNNA WASTE MY GAS THEN iT BETTER BE ON SOMETHiNG iMPORTANT LiKE DRiViNG TO CHiCK-FiL-A
Washed out as a mathlete. Now I (secretly) call myself an algebranaut.
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all french toast.
[Fancy restaurant]
DATE: *seductively* I like a man who knows what he wants
ME: *way too loudly* THERE’S NOT ENOUGH KETCHUP ON MY TATER TOTS
3-year-old: Daddy, I love you *hugs me*
Me: I love y- Did you wipe your mouth on my shirt?
Most of fatherhood is just being a good napkin.
You guys have been the worst hostages I’ve ever used, hands down.
*everyone lowers their hands*
GODDAMN IT!!
My goal was to look good in a bikini this summer, but the call of the warm bread dipped in oil is stronger.
Your girlfriend isn’t hallucinating man, she’s actually seeing other people.
I support Greenpeace because I care about environmental activism, just not enough to do any of the real work myself.
People who blame autocorrect for their mistakes are just finger painting
Expecting your first baby’s exciting but have you ever ordered a new coffee machine?
Absolutely cannot wait for the Jonas Brothers’ third film: Happiness Ends.
Spent an hour looking for my coffee cup because one of the kids PUT IT AWAY in the right place.
Nobody:
Me: people died on the Titanic but the lobsters were set free.
i like video games because they’re the only socially accepted way to ask another adult if they want to play
My heart skips a beat and my hands clench. Lips quivering, I lower my gaze to the ground. Faced with the truth, the disappointment I feel rips through my gut like the sharpest of blades. I HAVE DROPPED MY CHEESE.