Me: We spend a lot of time together.
Her: Turn left.
Me: Just think we should take this to the next level.
Her: Arriving at destination.
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Just realized the Master Card logo is a Venn diagram.
Twitter is my favorite MMORPG ever. I just say nasty shit and then I get to collect awesome people like experience points.
Just got glasses for the first time in 20 years and holy shit everyone looks terrible
Cashing in my goldfish today.
Wish me luck!
RIP the dinosaurs. Can’t believe it’s 65 million years already.
Always in my thoughts
My tax refund was so big that I didn’t even have to dilute my body wash with water this month.
Cop: Do you understand your rights?
NASCAR driver: My what
Stop humanising dogs, they’re better than that.
My sleep apnea was diagnosed at a staff meeting.
I would give my toddler fire before I give them glitter
Dreams won’t chase you back, but Canadian geese sure as hell will.
My obsession with visiting different hardware stores has me hitting new Lowe’s.
Welcome to adulthood: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
Husband: On top of spaghetti, all covered with cheese.
Me: *heavy breathing* Keep going.
ok but this should absolutely be the only acceptable method now
Are you alone? Afraid? Lonely? Then you’d better turn up the TV because I just heard a noise
Bees disappearing is worrisome because of the environment but also there’s the possibility of invisible bees.
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
I asked my 5-year-old what she was on because she was having such a good time wiggling and being weird. She looked at me like she finally met the dumbest person in the world, “the couch.”
My aunt said she was thankful for the best family in the world and I said “when are they coming?” and it MURDERED.
American recipes are litch like
•3.5 handfuls of milk
•2/7 cup of cheese
•Pasta to taste
Me: Can we discuss my X-ray?
Doctor: We can try, but I never met him
Who wants an omelet?
(3 minutes later)
Who wants scrambled?
If you’ve ever referred to yourself as a “diva” there is a 100% chance at least one person you know has fantasized about murdering you.
After multiple failed attempts to sleep in my bed my 3yr old came creeping in wearing sun glasses. After being denied once again she said “I tried a disguise this time. I thought for sure it would work.”
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: 😮 hampire
My son is begging for a pet dog as if he doesn’t remember what happened with our chia pet. Or the second chia pet. Or the third…
Holy shit, remember rhymes with September. If no one thought about putting that in a song, I’m gonna be rich.
The number of people I have accidentally assaulted while talking with my hands is less than fifty, probably.
Definitely less than a hundred.