Me: We were supposed share that bag of chips.
Her: It was mostly air.
Me:
Her: I saved you that part.
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You seem like someone who doesn’t take the plastic off before you make the grilled cheese.
Her: You know I love it when you pull my hair…
Me: Yes, baby
Her: But the other people at this PTA meeting are beginning to stare.
If I were a mob boss, I’d ask my henchmen to meet me down by the docks, then surprise them with a day of water skiing
Let’s talk about Sex Baby. I regret you naming our son that. You’re a real piece of shit, Tammy.
her: we should get a labrador
me: idk seems like ppl with those go blind
People who say I’m hard to shop for obviously didn’t see how excited I just got finding an almond on the couch.
Grass: [grows]
Me: well now, what do you think you’re doing bud? [lawnmower noises]
ME AT 19: I’m gonna travel to so many countries!
ME AT 29: I’m gonna try a new craft beer!
ME AT 39: I’m gonna try a different cat litter
If you can’t handle me at my worst you’re really missing out on some interesting things to tell your therapist
it takes 700 grapes to make a bottle of wine and that’s why you’re fat
Me: Siri set an alarm for 6am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.
Siri: Lol
crazy how my parents yelled at me as a child to “prepare me for the real world” when the only person who consistently yells at me is my cat
OTHER KIDS IN RESTAURANT: Restlessly coloring on a placemat waiting for food.
MY KIDS: Have already flipped over a booth & set it on fire.
If my girl didn’t want me to wear her new Christmas thong, she shouldn’t have said she bought it “for me.”
Women are confusing.
If you’ve ever planned anything with more than five people, then you know no conspiracy could possibly be real.
A mockingbird, a diamond ring, a mirror, a goat, a cart and bull, and finally a dog.
If you’re trying to quiet a baby, may I recommend a pacifier and a white noise machine?
Reasons Pluto is so cold:
3) It’s far from the sun
2) Its atmosphere is too thin to trap heat.
1) It found out we said it’s not a planet.
Medical offices are like “download our patient portal where we’ll post your lab results then fax us your request for a username and password”
Bought a pair of camo sweatpants but my kids can still see me when I wear them. This is bullshit
Me: “I’m looking for a psychic who rates themselves highly.”
Ian: “I’m a medium.”
Me: “I need someone better than that.”
Daniel LaRusso: oh man I get it, muscle memory! So the painting was teaching me-
Mr Miyagi: *smug nod* karate
Daniel: sanding the deck was-
Miyagi: karate
Daniel: and collecting your dry cleaning was-
Miyagi: anyway let’s move on
It’s only a chihuahua if it comes from the Chihuahua region of Mexico. Anything else is just a sparkling mouse.
You have $5 to build your city. Do you build it on:
– swampland $1000
– arable prairie $22000
– beachfront $33500
– rock $2
– roll $3
– rolling meadows $9500
When did we get a dog?
-me, getting into the wrong gray minivan at Target
If I had an hour to live I’d spend it on a treadmill because every minute feels like an eternity and at the end I’d be happy to die
I heard my 7-yr old daughter yell out “Cue the battleship!” in her sleep & now I’m jealous because her dreams are a lot cooler than mine.
My husband has finally given up on the notion that he will be able to have an uninterrupted conference call when his coworkers heard me belting out “I’m Every Woman” and has moved his office to the basement.
“Hermit crab” describes me twice.
To the person who brought multi-grain chips to the party- you could have just said you didn’t want to come.
Funny how this Target cashier says “Merry Christmas” like she’s not going to see me 50 more times between now & then.