ME: *wearing medieval armour* I’d like to book a room.
HOTEL RECEPTIONIST: How many nights?
ME: *lifts visor* Just me.
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Some people are just better left alone.
In a jacket, in a room with padded walls.
Me: Okay… Time for bed.
Brain: Cool.
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain: If you had a pterodactyl, would you name him Terry… or Perry??
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
Hillary Duff is short for Hillarious Dufflebag
Why do they call it alcoholics anonymous if you introduce yourself?
My milk is on 2%. Time to charge the battery
New guy: I really like your name
Me: Thanks I got it for my birthday
(Business)
Mike: It’s a sled. I call it the Mikesled.
Bob: I have a better idea.
My Life Alert bracelet says: “don’t let them get away with this”
Just drove past a new typewriter repair shop…
That’s not a front for anything illegal I’m sure…
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend
Darkness: *rolls eyes*
burglar: [breaks into house]
my dog: “BARK BARK BARK BARK”
burglar: [strokes dog’s head]
my dog: “i have misjudged this very nice man”
Living with my 6-year-old is like living with a firing squad, only it’s questions instead of bullets.
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: No, I’m busy.
Computer: Hey it’s tomorrow can I restart for updates?
Me: No
(A week of this later)
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: FINE JUST RESTART HURRY UP
Computer: Haha jk I haven’t downloaded them yet 😀
Him: You need to ease up on always picking out the things I do wrong
Me: You make it sound like I do it all the time!
Him: Even when I’m doing good, you have to find a mista…
Me: “Well”…when you’re doing “well”
Him:
Me: Go on…
Me: Dad, how did you guys manage without WhatsApp and SMS ??
Dad: We used to keep useless information to ourselves.
[on phone]
Of course I trust you, babe. Always.
*searches Amazon for mini spycams with 1-day shipping*
The real reason David beat Goliath is that when David threw a rock, Goliath threw scissors.
College is like a Dora the Explorer episode; your professor asks a question, stares at you and then answers their own question.
I like to take candy from a kid cause sugar is bad for them. Then, I eat it in front of them while saying, “don’t do this”
wordle is a big pharma conspiracy to sell us more ibuprofen
16: ‘We should put a flat screen on the wall!’
Wife: ‘I really don’t like mounting things.’
Me: *mumbles ‘No shit.’
W: ‘What was that??’
“Alexander’s not so Great” – younger brother, Steve the Ok
I’ve decided it’s time to fall in love again.
*orders southern fried chicken sandwich with extra pickles*
in case you were wondering how things are going these days for the generation that attended kindergarten exclusively via zoom…
our 6yo has started surreptitiously playing wordle on his school-issued chromebook while in class and skyping us his score
*Paper beats rock*
*Paper beats eggs*
*Paper beats his girlfriend*
*Paper beats his three year old*
The opposite of a meat lover’s pizza is a veggie hater’s pizza, which is weirdly THE SAME THING.
Dog: *Asleep
Dog: *Totally sleeping fam
Dog: *Don’t worry bout me
Dog: *Down for the night
Me: *Gets comfy in bed
Dog: *I gotta pee yo
Teacher: how should we punish the students?
Principal: make them stay home
Teacher: that doesn’t seem like a punishment..
Principal (just 3 kids in a trench coat trying not to laugh): omg they’ll hate it
Thanks for pointing out that I misspelled a word that I completely made up.
I stand incorrected.