Me: *wearing my Burger King crown
Passport photographer: No
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Everything that is wrong with America, in one image.
[first date with woman who has a kid]
HER: i’m a single mom
ME: yeah no shit, how many moms did you think i thought you were
Hotel Front Desk: checking out ma’am?
Me: I’m a mom of three, I checked out a long time ago.
HFD:
Me: oh yes, I’m done with the room.
“Dad, is that a bear outside the tent?”
“No.”
“OK.”
“Hold still.”
“What’re you putting on me?”
“Sunscreen.”
“It smells like ketchup.”
“Shhh”
*eats half a banana then stubs the bit that’s left in an ashtray*
Comment: London’s WorldPride? It’s really WorldShame
I forgot why I was retracing my steps so I gave up and re-retraced them back to bed.
😏😏😏
“Ive fallen ill with Coronavirus”
-panic inducing
-everyone will think you don’t wash your hands“I’ve been coronated”
-not as scary
-are you royalty?
-can I borrow your crown?
-you can’t probably marry a celebrity now
I read all your bumper stickers and now we’re both stupid.
My wife & I play this sexy game where she dresses up like a schoolgirl, then I dress up like a schoolgirl then we sit down & learn fractions
I can’t hold my breath to swim to the other side of the pool but I suddenly have Michael Phelps lungs to get away from someone coughing.
Scream sneezers need love too.
Bartender: What will you have?
Me: Whiskey
BT: Straight?
Me: Except for that one time in college.
BT:
Me:
BT:
Me: How ’bout them Red Sox?
It never fails every time my house is a disaster my Mother-in-Law will stop by just because she “saw my car in the driveway.”
ME: All my life I’ve been judged. Quit doing drugs! Don’t sleep around!
JUDGE: We have the murder weapon.
ME: Again, with the judging.
When a cop asks if I know why they pulled me over, I worry I’ll confess to a crime spree. That’s crazy tho, so I laugh and say, ‘probably because I let you’.
Me – Yes hit me Daddy
Boxing opponent – Dude stop please
me: like taking candy from a-
giant baby: no no, please go on
I taught my 7yo chess and she’s created a lengthy backstory about how this once-peaceful community came to odds and a lengthy battle ensued. I am now of the mind that all chess should have a plot.
I bet homophobic guys get reincarnated into condoms.
I just have to continue with these drinking jokes. I think they’re hilarious.😂
[Interview]
Your resume just says “I’m a mom”. Why in the world would I hire you?
Me: BECAUSE I SAID SO THAT’S WHY!
Why do we always hurt the ones who eat the tator tots I was saving in the freezer?
Our forefathers fought against British rule so anyone can become president. For the first time in 240 years, we’re regretting that decision.
We put a man on the moon in 1969, and if you elect me to be your president, I promise that we will not stop until every man is on the moon.
My kid just locked me out of the house in 95 degree weather, but sure, “it goes by so fast.”
I’d get my mind out of the gutter, but I think it’s wrong to remove an animal from its natural habitat.
Share your cheese puns. Only the Gouda stuff, not de Brie.