ME: welcome home John Wick
JOHN WICK: thanks roomie. How’s my tamagotchi?
ME: *starts sweating profusely*
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Hey, people who leave the volume on an odd, non divisible by 5 number, how do you live with yourselves?!
[1st date]
Him: What do you do for fun?
Me: I like pretending I’m someone else.
Him: Wow? You do impersonations?
Me: No, I steal identities.
Did you ever think about ten years ago you’d be saying.. “I really hope this is a chick I’m talking to”.
i married for love
but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored
[wife calling make-a-wish foundation]
he says he’s “dying from ennui” does that count
{At therapists}
SIMBA: Once my dad let a monkey hold me over a cliff.
I think police forgot which organized group of white dudes with shaved heads they are.
Mornin
I’m nobody’s type until they need blood or an organ
Modern Way to Name Babies:
1. Pick 2-3 names
2. Chop each
3. Blend together
4. Mix in the letter Y
5. Allow time for mixture to settleCongratulations on your child McKimberlynn.
“They’re like a sponge at this age” I say to the parents of the baby I’m using to scrub dishes with.
BOSS: in my office, we need to have a chat
ME: ok *sits down and crosses legs*
BOSS: why did you just cross my legs?
NO ONE SAVES MILK YOU MORON
Welcome to your 40s. You now have one random eyebrow hair that grows faster than the rest
Me: will you wake your sister
4: no that’s way too scary
I’m all for the scientific method.
Right now I’m experimenting to see how much swearing makes other parents stop inviting you to things.
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesi-tato
😂
interviewer: describe yourself in one word
me: great listener
My wife always tells me not to take things personally, so I hired a guy to do it for me. He already stole a bike.
When people show me pictures of their kids I show them pictures of my exes. If I have to look at their mistakes, they have to look at mine.
Batman: Life isn’t a video game. Your actions have consequences
*Robin writes ‘I’m sorry I forgot to buy Charmin®’ 100 times on Batpaper*
Art by Pastelkatto
Me: no way you could see that with your naked eye
7yo: *shocked* my eye is not naked
USPS: does this package contain any perishables
me, in a cake, in the box: I’LL BE FINE
Juliet: Wherefore art thou, Romeo-
Romeo: Cool fact: wherefore means why
Juliet: Well-
Romeo: So you’re asking why I am
Juliet:
Romeo [hand on her shoulder]: it’s because my dad banged my mom
˙ɯɹɐɥ ʎuɐ ǝɯ op ʇ,upıp ʇı puɐ pןıɥɔ ɐ sɐ pɐǝɥ ʎɯ uo pǝddoɹp sɐʍ ı
My grandfather told me that during the war he was exposed to irritants like pepper spray and mustard gas. Now he’s a seasoned vet.
Me: I just need some alone time away from the kids
Wife: When?
Me: Between 2 and 5
Wife: Ok
Me: I’ll be back when they’re 6
(3am, my kid wakes up)
Me: *Pretends to be asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be more asleep*
Me: *Pretends to be even more asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be even way more asleep*