Me: welcome to my painting podcast
[wet slapping noises for 75 minutes]
Me: it’s a mountain
You Might Also Like
Why go to a public pool when strangers on Craigslist will pee on you for free
38% of being a dad is sitting in a car looking at your watch and waiting for everybody else to come out
chore hatred level:
considering becoming a raw food vegan and drinking straight from the garden hose to avoid doing dishes
How to wake up a Beagle
[ultrasound]
DOCTOR: oh my god!
HER: what’s wrong?
DOCTOR: Ok don’t panic but it looks as though you swallowed a baby
“I’d like to purchase some deodorant please.”
“The ball kind?”
“No, for under my arms.”
“My mind is telling me nooo… But my body… My body’s telling me yesss…BABY”
Cashier: Sir…would you like fries with that or not?
(Son walks in on us.I make it under the covers.Hubs doesn’t)
9: (Half asleep) Dad why are you naked?
Him: Um..uh…I’m just setting my alarm
9: Oh. Okay. G’night. (Walks out)
Me: Really?! You know that a few years from now, he’s going to strip naked to set his alarm, right?
Brit 1:
“They’ve… just stepped away from their desk for a minute, can I take a message?”Translation: They’re staring straight at me.
Brit 2:
“Yes, when they get back can you let them know I’ve called?”Translation: I know they’re still at their desk.
Hypnotist: [crying in a corner] why aren’t you getting sleepy!?
3 year old: I’m thirsty
My Therapist thinks i need a women in my life. But all the women i know thinks i need a therapist.
What’s the loudest pet?
A trumpet.
#PetDay
Aragorn: You have my sword.
Legolas: And you have my bow.
Gimli: And my axe.
Airport Security: Again, gentlemen, those items are not allowed on the plane.
Aragorn: But we’re heading to –
Airport Security: Mordor, I know. Look, you’re this close to getting on the no fly list.
Hubby’s head seems like it’s almost twice the size of mine.
We are never having children.
me: hey can I read that recipe
internet: here’s a video of how to make it
me: can I just read it
internet: WATCH THE VIDEO
*in court for murder*
I’m appreciate your feedback on not killing people. I’m listening, learning and growing.
Does anybody know what the word ‘delegate’ means? (Asking for a friend)
Very suspicious that this keeps happening
Sometimes an person unexpectedly comes into your life, makes your heart race and has such an impact on your life.
Just didn’t want it to be a cop.
Somewhere, a ninja watches “I Didn’t Know I was Pregnant.” An imperceptible smile creeps across his lips. “Damn right you didn’t.”
“You know what people really want to see? Season after season of a guy drinking his own piss.” – Discovery Channel executive
There is no bond greater than the one between a Tupperware container and marinara sauce
Spa services are relaxing, paying for them is not.
Not to brag on my wife but she doubled our accidental death and dismemberment insurance when I bought a chainsaw.
ME: Close your eyes, I got you a birthday present.
SPOUSE: *closes eyes* Oh?
ME: Remember how you told me you love Daft Punk?
SPOUSE: No. I said I’d love for you to stop listening to Daft Punk in the car.
ME: *nervously* Oh
*Daft Punk slowly rises from behind the couch*
did you know you can cancel plans by simply saying “sorry. can’t. i have an avocado that’s ripe.” total legal. even if it’s not true.
Apparently yesterday was World Homeopathy Day. Homeopathy is so useless, even its awareness day doesn’t get noticed. Maybe they should try diluting it across several months?
I didn’t get far in Mario. I thought the guy floating on the cloud was God so I just accepted it when he threw shit at me
[making out on couch]
me: well, wanna take it a step further and see if we’re compatible 😉
date: yes 😉
me: ok let me just get… you know… from my nightstand
[coming down stairs 2 minutes later]
me: whoa *holding sorting hat* why are you naked
I hate straight weddings because we all have to form a circle and pretend a 4 year old is a better dancer than me.