me: welcome to todays episode of cribs! this crib has a bouncy castle, lets check it out
[45 mins later]
camera man: should we see other stuff now?
me: *out of breath* no
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Why is it called a “network of computers streaming Disney movies to cows” and not “Moo-LAN”
WEBMD: Enter symptoms
Me: cold chills, squishy brain, stinging skin
WEBMD: You are a jellyfish
Please, please, please… invite me to your party. I promise I won’t show up.
[after working out] i was promised endorphins this is bullshit
GENIE: u have 3 wishes
ME: give Taylor Swift 1 extra ear
GENIE: k
ME: a blue one
GENIE: righto
ME: now make Kanye hear out of it
GENIE: dude
Me: “Come here” is spelled C-O-M-E not C-U-M
My kid: Does it really matter how I spell it?
Me: Yes!
A news report says hackers stole $1 Billion dollars from banks around the world. And several pens.
kinda bullshit my iPhone doesn’t recognize my face with food hanging out of it
[fishing]
me: why won’t these goldfish take my bait?
friend: they’re koi.
me: aww don’t be shy little fishies.
I don’t know who needs to hear this*, but vinegar isn’t a condiment
*The British. The British need to hear this
big news! i finally finished paying off the latte i bought in November with financing
financial freedom is alive and well
I’m surprised carving faces into vegetables after pulling out their innards isn’t incorporated into more American Holidays.
According to my neighbor’s rooster, it’s 5am now.
Also according to my neighbor’s rooster, we’re having fried chicken for dinner tomorrow.
me: I’m looking for my wife
cop: can you describe her
me: she’s strong, independent..
cop: but what does she look like?
me: that’s not important
cop: it kinda is
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
I have 4ish hours to sleep, but instead of doing so I’ll just complain online about how little potential sleep I have left.
#rubbishjokes
I don’t like Russian dolls.They are so full of themselves.
Parenting is mostly just informing kids how many more minutes they have of something.
showing a photo of a healthy guy to my doctor like i’d show the barber a picture of a haircut
Googling definitions of well known words daily so if I need to I can plead insanity
Cicadas are all like, “Y’all mind if I scream?”
[guy who’s about to invent urinals]
*peeing* i hate having privacy
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: Cargo space?
Me: Car no do that. Car no fly.
Manager: Can I see you in my office?
Renting a uhaul to make my neighbors think I’m moving and then pretending like I never met them when I see them next
Brain, I know you’re trying hard but you are not doing a good job.
Never mistake my kindness for weakness. Never mistake my silence for approval. And never, ever, mistake my appetizer for a sharing platter.
Well, the Fourth of July is over, you know what that means… time for the stores to start putting out their Christmas stuff…
My wife’s favorite position is where I’m bent over the kitchen sink doing the dishes.
My dog just ate one of my earbuds gonna blast metal until I get it back
I tried to help my third grader with some practice IQ test questions, and either he’s a genius or I’m a potato.