Me: Well, basically it sounds like when you’re crouching in an abandoned building on a remote planet in the future and a Cylon is scanning for your presence to destroy you.
Dishwasher Repair Man: That will be $200.
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What if T-Rexes really had long boneless tentacle arms and we didn’t know because we can only find bones?
I’m very strong, but not in a get a jar open kinda way.
friend (via text): can I call you right now?
me: no. i’m not near my phone.
when there was one set of footprints in the sand, that was when I tripped and fell but Jesus didn’t see and he kept walking for a little bit
typing in the same password a third time but more powerfully
This is the coolest video you will see today.
I kept getting my shin badly grazed by the pedal of my bike when I was was a kid, that was one vicious cycle.
AMAZON: Your 11 year old niece has a birthday coming up and she loves horses
ALSO AMAZON: do you wanna buy like a sword or a manhole cover or something
MUGGER: Hand over your wallet.
MY DAD: No, no, no. You’re holding the knife all wrong. Ugh, just give me that… and, pull up your damn pants.
It’s very rude to not refer to the manager at Burger King as “Your Majesty”.
[couples therapy]
“Have you tried sexy lingerie?”
me: yeah but it just creeps her out.
Me: For dinner we’re having Fettucine Alfredo
Alfredo: Fettucine and what?
Them: Do your best you can’t hurt me anymore.
Social media apps: Hold my beer🍺.
[revenge plan]
*invent miniaturisation machine.
*shrink to tiny size.
*crawl all over sleeping spider’s face.
20s: I’m on top of the world!
50s: stop the world I want to get off!
Your car took up two spaces, I tried to move it over with my key.
My daughter was pissed at me this morning and threatened to tell me the Wordle answer, so obviously I’m raising a savage monster.
87% of parenting is yelling, “DON’T MAKE ME COME IN THERE,” from a different room.
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
why am i having trouble navigating this map??
1 of the 7 newly discovered planets has already been declassified after discovering it was merely Pluto wearing high heels & sunglasses.
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
*getting kidnapped in the grocery store parking lot*
PLEASE JUST LET ME PUT MY CART BACK FIRST
I hate when I’m drunk and someone says “I’ll talk to you in the morning” like I’m not gonna be drunk then too.
My cat just wrote the Great American Novel. Let me read you a page, “Meow meow meow meow meow meow.” Dunno, think it’s a little pretentious.
lobster: [snapping claws menacingly] FEEL MY WRATH, HUMAN
me: [holding 2 rubber bands]
lobster: ah shit
CW: can i ask a stupid question
ME: sure u seem qualified
Butterflies are like regular flies, but they live at Paula Deen’s house.
Sometimes I put my cat in the sunroom hoping the coyote who lives out back will charge at it and bounce off the glass.
*full moon emerges from behimd clouds*
nno–nonono it cant be…RUN. FAR AWAY FROM ME. NOW. IM A– IM A–
*turns into bungalow*
IM A WAREHOUSE