@ThugRaccoons

Me : Well, despite the difficulties, we’ve made the best of a bad situation

Life: Yeah, I’m going to need those lemons back

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@KentWGraham

I wish No More Tangles shampoo would work on Christmas lights.

@Crunch11b

Every time I’m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.

@honeybadgerMel

Never underestimate the power of a hug. Or a slap upside the head. Whatever works.

@panmidwest

[Calling concert venues across the country]

Hi yes, I’m just calling to let you know that on your website you spelled “weekend” incorrectly

@zakagan

I named my two kids Madness and Sparta, and boy do I love introducing them to people

@karanbirtinna

I tried using that face app which makes people look old, and apparently it’s called a mirror.

@Rollinintheseat

Kids these days will never know the exhilarating danger of going 60mph down a burning hot metal slide.

@BuckyIsotope

Fired from my job as an autopsy technician for repeatedly asking “are you gonna eat that?” during the procedures.