Me : Well, despite the difficulties, we’ve made the best of a bad situation
Life: Yeah, I’m going to need those lemons back
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What idiot called it ‘telling the future through tea-leaves’ and not ‘brews foresight’?
We need to go back to the days when every town only had one single, bumbling, sheriff who was constantly falling asleep while leaning back in a chair and forgetting that he’d left the town’s only jail cell unlocked
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
My whole life just flashed before my eyes and there was way too much cauliflower.
me: hello 911
operator: actually you’ve reached 116
me: ok can u tell 911 I’m dangling from a cliff
Just heard the UPS guy drop packages on my porch and say “there you go” to my dogs so that’s why they always think my packages are for them
Me: When a door closes a window opens.
All dads: Close that damn window! I’m not trying to air condition the whole damn county! And turn off that light while you’re at it.
Maybe women decided to convince men that beards were sexy because they were sick of cleaning the washbasin after he shaved
How did they call Deadpool’s dog ‘Dogpool’ when ‘Deadpoodle’ was right there.
The term minivan implies the existence of a more spacious yet less practical mega van
Turtles often outlive their owners, a fact the police refuse to treat as suspicious
Them: Who’s your favourite soccer player?
Me:
We’ve replaced the names of the foreign countries & leaders in Trump’s speech with the names of IKEA® furniture. Let’s see if he notices
Just injected myself with bleach and as far as I can tell nothing is hapxczfdszg vhrwxx
$&8766bfdgjkklk vbczzsawq
I put the “rad” into “gradual descent into madness”
When I walk through automatic doors sometimes I think I’m controlling them with my mind, that’s normal right?
Cucumber is 95% water and 100% not donut.
I got fruit flies
they’re multiplying
and I’m losing control
cuz the bananas
my kids are supplying
they’re liquefying
“It’s all smoke and mirrors” he said, describing his various drug habits.
DATING IN THE 1800s
1) Get telegram from Mae
2) Wait to respond. Don’t be desperate
3) Get telegram that Mae died of dysentery while waiting
Snakes full of cheese instead of poison would certainly improve the atmosphere at this church.
I was having a rough day so my wife suggested we make bread dough together.
I kneaded that.
If you can diet in October around all the Halloween candy-you’re either dying or practicing witchcraft.
Name another movie that mislead you?
“What’s that?”
A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in and I’m a little bit closer to freedom.
*puts in dollar* “WTH!?!”
Hubby is redoing Sis’s kitchen. Today he kicked down a wall like a one man SWAT team. I’ve got the ibuprofen gel on standby.
YouTube DIY videos be like “turn this $1 pallet into a beautiful dining table with 14 thousand dollars worth of tools”
You’re 15 and miss the 90’s? Yeah, I’m sure those were the best 2 years of your life. Shitting in your pants and eating dirt.
*in confessional*
well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers
*goes into kitchen
*makes toast
*pours coffee
*sits at table
*opens Sunday paper“WHO ARE YOU & WHY ARE YOU IN MY KITCHEN?”
*sighs
*leaves