Me: Well done my good and faithful serpent
Wife: Do you have to say that every time you use the bathroom?
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I think it’s a bad sign that when 9 tries to play charades, everyone’s first guess is “constipation.”
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
“A mean dog is terrorizing people a few towns over. I am going to drive over there & yell at him from my car.” – Barack Obama
One of the downfalls of sleeping with a fan and then the power going out is your kid asking what that weird noise is and it’s just you breathing normally.
stages of eating a banana:
– oh hey a banana
– it’s so sweet
– so easy to chew
– I like bananas
– oh god I’m only halfway done
– how big is this banana
– I’m so bored
– will this ever end
– one bite left
– I’m throwing it away now
Remember when parents said “I’ll give you something to cry about” & were scared they’d hit us but they destroyed the housing market instead?
Every day can be sparkly if you stick a fork into a socket.
Beyonce: ‘Who run the world?’ Generally people who have at least a basic understanding of grammar.
Stomach: Every time you eat, we get sick.
Brain: Hmm. I know what would make us feel better.
Stomach: No-
Brain: TAQUITOS!
Me: Yay TAQUITOS!
The casinos are closed, so get your gambling fix by ordering groceries online.
It’s always the Great Wall of China, but I feel bad for all the other walls in China. They’re like
“Hey i’m a pretty good wall too.”
Cute neighbor mows her lawn almost naked, so I sneak over there at night and sprinkle Miracle-Gro all over her yard.. costly but so worth it
Just had a goat’s cheese sandwich. Well, he should have put his name on it.
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
Who teaches the chickens to fry a steak?
The worst time to find out your parents are dead is probably right after you’ve taken a large hit from helium balloon.
Crunching numbers would be a lot more fun if they made little potato chip sounds after each equation.
Once a year I think about how when my brother and I were 10 and my sister was 3 she ran in the living room waving an empty package laughing manically at us she ate ALL the chocolate and left us none. I looked at the pack it said EX LAX.
Then I heard her stomach rumble.
I never related to movies as a kid. Like in Home Alone when Kevin says to his Mother “I am upstairs you dummy” I couldn’t understand how he was still alive after that.
Whoa. Wait a minute.
So those stick figures on your car aren’t for pedestrians you ran over?
Damn it!
*starts scraping off her stickers*
Didn’t find a dead body on my hike again today this is starting to get frustrating.
SCAM ALERT – IMPORTANT
The cat has already been fed.
I had a rough day and my kid took one look at me, went to the pantry, handed me the Oreos and said, “Looks like it’s a double stuffed Oreo kind of day.”
So anyway, he’s my new therapist.
Let’s be honest Jurassic Park is about capitalistic hubris not science gone wrong. The science went gloriously right
The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.
*stares at phone for 3 hours*
*puts phone down, reads book for 5 minutes*
*glances up from book*
Wow, look at all these braindead fools glued to their phones
I keep having to put away a lot of shoes for a family who hasn’t gone anywhere in 7 weeks.
“I do so like green eggs and ham. Thank you! Thank you, Salmonella-I-am.”
– The breakfast that inspired Dr Seuss
Date : So you’re the youngest of three?
Me : Yep, my parents are both older.
BOSS:You were supposed to get an inconspicuous heist car!
ME:No one’ll suspect the google car
B:It’s literally documenting everything we do