Me: Well hello again. I knew you’d be back. I seem to have that effect on people
Fed Ex: Just sign here so I can leave
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Note to self: Before committing any murders, get head and shoulders. Can’t be leaving DNA all over the place.
I just think it’s rude that hockey players work so hard to cut up all that ice and then some big-head jerk on a big zebra machine or whatever comes and erases it.
[as one million ants are carrying me out of my bed to toward their cavern to eat me alive] please let me feed my neopets first
Nice try, Clooney “wedding.” I know a casino heist when I see one.
when you google “how to get chocolate syrup” it autofills “out of carpet,” so at least I know I’m not alone
Don’t believe what others say about you, they know nothing. For example, in 4th grade my teacher said I was going to grow up and be successful and she was wrong on both accounts
wife: did you change the baby?
me: no and i never will because i love him for who he is.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler wants to “do it herself.”
Three hours later, I’m still waiting for her to get out of the car.
me: how bout a show like greys anatomy but at an animal hospital
producer: they’re all vets?
me shaking head no: they’re all animals
I told everyone on Facebook what was “on my mind” and now I’m in jail.
Send cake.
If a cop yells at you to GET DOWN just start twerking cause damn, dude, be more specific
first wiseman: i brought you gold
second wiseman: i brought you frankincense
third wiseman: i brought you myrrh
fourth wiseman: i made you these jorts myself
mary: [to the guy writing the bible] don’t write that last one down
“A picture is worth a thousand words.”
–anonymous“A thousand words is for amateurs.”
–children
Beyoncé: Ok now ladies let’s get in formation.
Ladies: Information about what?
Beyoncé: Dammit, ladies, we went over this.
Jealousy is one of the seven deadly sins because the next thing you know you need a shovel and an alibi.
hi aliens, if you’re harvesting humans the best and juiciest ones have a lot of numbers in their bank accounts
Officer- I’m giving you a ticket for your speed
Me- That’s heroin
Officer-…
Me- Want some?
Officer-…
Me- Oooh, shiny handcuffs
“Can I get a umm…”
-every person ever at the drive thru
My daughter: I know everything
Me: What’s the capital of brazil?
My daughter: that’s a secret
If you answer the right answer on a “wrong answer only” post, didn’t you technically follow the instructions?
I’m dreaming of getting rich like my father.
Wow your dad must be a rich man.
No, he too is dreaming of getting rich.
I’m going spiraling, do you need anything?
My gym shut down but a pizza place opened in its spot so my visits have remained pretty consistent
I have never laughed so hard in my LIFE
9 out of 10 therapist agree to just be yourself
The other one realizes that’s what got you into this shit in the first place.
My daughter says she’s not mad at me but she did just hug her dad and tell him, “I love you more than anyone” without breaking eye contact with me.
“Have kids,” they said.
It’s one thing to get a golf tee stuck in a nostril. Shit happens. But if you’ve got a golf tee in each nostril, that’s a pattern. Wake up.
It’s only the fifth day of school and my 9-year-old has already memorized the names of all 50 fourth graders who have cellphones.
I called it a “housewarming party”. The District Attorney called it “aggravated arson”. Semantics.