Me: Well I don’t wanna blow my own trumpet…
Brass Band Conductor Who Is Auditioning Me: Please do.
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Through the drive thru speaker: would you like to try the chicken club
Me: [ imagining chickens getting down on the dance floor ] hell yes I would
Gonna tell my kids Santa doesn’t come to dirty houses so they have to clean all day tomorrow.
Day 22 of quarantine and I’ve turned my living room into a nudist colony. The kids hate it but I’ve finally obtained some privacy
My toddler just tried to change the channel with a chicken finger and since I had the remote in my hand I totally let him think it worked.
It was supposed to rain this morning and didn’t, which is rude to the sweatpants sofa plans I made.
Starting to think that adult supervision is a myth. In fact, my eyes seem to be getting worse.
This checks out
I saw a sign that said “Watch for children”
I thought to myself “That sounds like a fair trade”
Two wolves ? more like a hyena carcass and a dust bunny.
*Wife walks in, the house is trashed*
“OMG..we’ve been burgled”
*I jump out of the closet in full hockey gear*
HAVE YOU SEEN THE WASP KAREN?
My daughter says she’s not mad at me but she did just hug her dad and tell him, “I love you more than anyone” without breaking eye contact with me.
“Have kids,” they said.
I can count the number of times I’ve made my own fireworks on one hand. In fact, I have to.
I’m at my most ninja when slipping on my seat belt as a cop car pulls up beside me.
parenting hack: take your kids to the park then just leave them there. start a new life. be you. enjoy traveling again. make new friends that don’t care what color the cup or bowl is. you don’t need that negativity in your life. be free.
I bought my husband of 21 years a sweatshirt and I stole it from him and that’s how we keep our marriage fresh
Some music just moves you. For example this Taylor Swift song playing on the radio makes me wanna drive off a cliff
My lockdown lifestyle is like that of the wife of an as-yet-undiscovered serial killer in the 70’s.
– home alone daily in a housedress / nightgown
– making ice in trays
– doing housework
– going through old boxes wondering where did all this weird women’s jewelry come from
[fancy restaurant]
Me: do you have orange cat food?
Wife [whispers to waiter]: he means lasagna
Her: Even if I was trapped on a desert island with you, I still wouldn’t have sex with you.
Me: You’re thinking about sex in that situation? What is wrong with you? WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO FOR FOOD, BRENDA?
13: My English teacher wants us to write in a journal every day
Me: What have you written so far?
13: “I don’t want to write a journal, & I don’t like Quarantine Chicken Surprise.”
M: Good opener.
I’m about to go for a run as soon as I text all my enemies and let them know.
Sir Im sorry I rear ended you but I was focused on not accidentally eating a purple jelly bean and you’re handling this really insensitively
My 12 year old son is going to his first play with us tonight. I convinced him that everyone wears fanny packs to plays. We had to go buy him one at Walmart, but it will be worth it.
The doctor wants me to start eating healthier to add years to my life. It’s like he doesn’t realize I’m married.
Her: I was robbed! They took EVERYTHING except some wire coat hangers and my Justin Bieber CD.
Me: I wonder why they left the hangers?
I have also decided to not buy Twitter.
can’t believe they changed the Hollywood sign again
ME: I’m off to that meeting
BOSS: Forget something?
M: Yes! [kisses boss gently on forehead]
B: I meant your pen [whispers] but thank you
ain’t no way there’s billions of us and nobody got superpowers