Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
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*glow-in-the-dark vampire approaches*
ME: *trembling* Phospheratu?
Me: How did the interrogation go?
Detective: The perp folded like a cheap suit.
Me, has no idea what that means: That’s great. All my suits at home are rigid by the way. Rock hard.
them: I’ll call you, we’ll do coffee
me outwardly: yay
me inwardly: nope
[First date] You didn’t google the menu before you came to the restaurant? This isn’t going to work.
my girlfriend went to slip into something more comfortable six months ago which makes me wonder how comfortable you can possibly be
Sorry I told you that you should probably take down your Halloween profile picture when you had already put your normal picture up days ago.
“Holy shit I’m a cat?”
My favorite Easter tradition is changing the subject when my mom calls and asks if I went to church.
A chameleon and a ninja walk into a bar.
Neither one can get the bartender’s attention.
a murderer tries to stab me but im wearing rollerskates and he just kind of pushes me a few feet
My boss called in sick of me
Text: How come you stopped drinking?
Me: Because I kept waking up with you.
Her: I hate you.
Mini-horses are like mini-donuts, you can’t just eat one
If your bio says 18+ brat I just assume you are an adult sausage
It’s so hot farmers are harvesting tomato soup.
[picks up date]
*slides over hood of car* *slides off car onto another car* *slides off that one onto another car* *date looks at her watch*
According to this bathroom stall, my ex changed her number again.
I doubt God made us in his image, because Snooki.
my body’s saying “let’s go,” but my heart is saying “a pet iguana is a huge responsibility, mark.”
I accidentally bought organic milk instead of regular and now my family is so broke we are forced to live in a shack and make clothes out of recycled hair.
ME: I can’t believe it’s not butter
FRIEND: This is a shoe
ME: Omg I can’t believe it
Mowed the lawn yesterday with my shirt off and this morning there were 50 shirts left on my porch with a sign that said, “Please wear.”
I brought a load of laundry into the living room to fold, and my husband said, “You do this every day. I’m onto you. You just want to take a break.” So, anyway, in lieu of flowers please make a donation to the charity of your choice.
Time flies when you throw your alarm clock out the window.
I made a rabbit stew last night. My husband complained there was a hare in it.
Are you supposed to wear your Fitbit in the shower? I’m looking to break this thing as quickly as possible and need advice.
I never had a childhood bully, but I do have a toddler, so same.
Me in my 20’s: what’s a hangover?
Me in my 40’s: it was 1 drink, 3 weeks ago, when will this end?
Nobody:
My kid: I want my nickname to now be Hot Dogs.