Me: Well, I’m off to perform another organ transplant.
Wife: You’re a piano mover, you idiot.
Me: I change lives, Linda. I change lives.
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Been getting into gardening lately and I think it’s going well!
tom cruise struggle to operating a rod and reel and it’s all tangled and messed up. fishin’ impossible
If anyone thought the Weather Channel couldn’t possibly get any louder, please stop by my parent’s house right now
Eating vegetables after a failed attempt at picking up your shirt with your toes.
*whispers* forlorn corn.
Hairless cats look like the devil screwed up a possession.
My son is 6’2” and he just said loudly from another room “god I can smell my feet from here and I’m standing up” so yes, I will be burning those shoes
Superman’s first day at the daily planet.
Boss: Since you’re new, you might need supervision.
Clark: I have that, superhearing too.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but it’s time to throw out that tater salad from Thanksgiving
As long as you don’t ever give them your real name they can’t accuse you of not keeping the mystery alive in your relationship
Don’t go around saying you hate all people. Attractive people who have a lot of money are really lovable.
It’s like these credit card companies don’t even care that I’m an electric accordionist for South Dakota’s finest heavy metal parody band.
[quarters & nickels rain from the sky]
Me: what is this
Climate: change
Everybody’s an atheist until the final two minutes of a sports game.
I threw caution to the wind.caution is my little brother.
only 11 steps left
[speaking at funeral]
Deceased’s brother: there’s no words to describe the anguish we all feel right now
Me: what about ‘anguish’?
I hope the rapture makes the line at the dinner buffet shorter.
what is your most benign unpopular opinion? i don’t mean like “the earth is flat” type of unpopular opinion, i mean like “I think golden retrievers are annoying” unpopular opinion
Goth gf: this isnt working out. I think we should see other people
Golden Retriever bf: *started running in circles as soon as he heard the word Out*
had 2 glasses of wine about to text him “can I ask you something” and then turn my phone off til tomorrow
Your Joke Is Factually Incorrect – A Guide to Dying Alone.
what if our teeth screamed obscenities at us every time we brushed them?
The nurse said take everything off except bra and panties, but all I have under my dress is a tampon string I wish I could pull to parachute right outta here
Ladies, if you don’t want to answer a question from a guy, say, “I already TOLD you. You never listen.”
We have no idea if you’re lying.
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: his fault for staying out all night
kidnapper: we took him from his bedroom
dad: well he probably wasn’t in bed like he shoulda been
kidnapper: he was
dad: on his phone probably
kidnapper: fast asleep
dad: i guarantee you he was faking it
We have friends coming from the Netherlands. My 8yo kept asking if their kids have grown. We couldn’t understand why she was fixated on this.
Neverland. She thought they were from Neverland.
3rd eye: youre on drugs
4th eye: youre a nerd
5th-7th eyes: ???
8th eye: you are now a spider
9th eye: spider on drugs
16th eye: nerd spider
“Are you listening?”
“Yes.”
“Are you REALLY listening?”
“I really am.”
“But I mean, are you-”
“I’m not gonna say it, Dave.”
LIFE HACK: You can turn your ordinary sofa into a sofa bed by simply forgetting your wife’s birthday.
A nasal spray that’s filled with glitter, so when you sneeze it’s like a confetti popper.