Me: Well kid, someday all this will be yours. *motions to my Twitter account*
4-year-old: Susie’s dad has a boat.
You Might Also Like
[i sweetly pet a wild baby deer in my lap] aww this is so boring
My son cried yesterday because:
– he “doesn’t want to carry two things” (school bag and lunch bag)
– i pushed the button on the elevator and he wanted to do it
– his nanny said hello and he’s “too tired to greet”
– didn’t like the shirt he was wearing anymore
– wanted to write M
I’m so incapable of accepting a compliment that I’ve started just flat out refusing them.
Them: You look lovely today.
Me: No thank you.
The self checkout lane was invented by a man who was sent to the store to buy tampons.
I hate when I see the moon during the day. Go to bed dude.
Things true crime has ruined for me: hiking, jogging, dating, marriage, lighting up a room.
My neighbor must be having a rough day. I caught her sneaking out her bathroom window while I was sneaking out my bathroom window.
You learn something every day
She danced her way into his heart.
-She was doing the robot tho, so she looked like an idiot.
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is about your state that makes people want to flee the Earth?
I tried bringing sexy back, but it scratched me, scampered away, and hid under a car.
My little brother tried his first edible and is currently writing the worst statuses ever
I often wondered what it’d be like to be married to an idiot.
I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while.
My cardio is tripping on the sidewalk and pretending to jog for 5 feet.
*Rap battle*
Me: *lips on mic* PLEASE STOP DROPPING THE MIC. IT WAS A BIRTHDAY PRESENT FROM MY MOM.
If you don’t have any friends who have covid right now you’re blessed or you probably don’t have friends
If my dog goes missing I have 3,789,897 current photos. If my kids go missing I have 3 photos from 5 years ago.
I just got a text from someone I don’t know. They say they’re sick and vomitting.
Should I tell them that vomitting only has one T?
i went viral on linkedin and i now have over 2,000 jobs
Hubby’s head seems like it’s almost twice the size of mine.
We are never having children.
This is your brain.
*holds up a brain*
And this is your brain on drugs.
*holds up a brain wearing a weird hat and a scarf*
there’s no attractive way to chase a ping pong ball
Me: Flirting is fun
Me when actually flirting: OMG HOW DO I DO THIS. WHATS A WINK. IVE FORGOTTEN HOW TO BREATHE. YOUR FACE IS TIDY. HOW DO I HUMAN. HELP.
My daughter and her friend Poppy were playing hide and seek and Poppy wanted to hide in the chest freezer but I told her that’s where we keep the dead bodies and now poppy’s no longer allowed over to play which suits me fine because Poppy’s a humourless snitch
Blood is thicker than water but has nothing on Thousand Island dressing.
At Dunkin Donuts-
8: Can I get choc. milk?
Me: We have that at home.
8: We have coffee at home too…
Me: WHO TAUGHT YOU LOGICAL THINKING?!
Boss: Why do you need to leave work early?
Me: Bro, I’m straight up not having a good time.
On a scale of 1 to girl who just got back from a semester abroad in Europe, how annoying are you?
Does the acting in porn have to be THAT bad? I’m not looking for any Meryl Streep performances, but c’mon.
So UBER is not a dating app?
*sigh*
I kinda thought all those ‘Goodbye’ kisses seemed more awkward than usual.