me: well, one time i was in a team drinking race with some friends. we fell behind, so I started chugging double pours and we ended up winning a hard fought battle.
Interviewer: um ok, and weaknesses?
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I’m starting to think my wife is only having sex with me to improve her FitBit stats.
The door is closed? I want in. The door is open? I want out. Actually I just want to sit in the door frame itself. – Pets
Pet names convey familiarity and endearment. For example, honey pot, baby cakes, Succubus.
i bet it really sucks to throw up if you’re a giraffe
The best thing about a rabbit is it doesn’t matter how bad a lay you are, everyone compares good sex to you.
A health scare but it’s just someone putting a salad in front of me.
I have a three year old, a one year old, and a dog, and when I discover that someone chewed up my magazine and peed on the rug the dog is never my primary suspect.
I bought a metal detector.
Beach better have my money.
“Does your dad play any sports?”
“No, my dad hates sports”
*dad walks in*
“Hey there, Sport”
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: how would i know
When I die, I want my decaying carcass to be loaded into a giant slingshot and flung into a rich kids bouncy castle.
Daylight Saving Time is increasingly hard to notice when my digital are devices are like, “What? Nothing happened. We know what time it is.”
And my stove is left blinking and screaming, “IT HAPPENED! TIME SHIFTED UNNATURALLY! THEY’RE ALL LYING! ONLY I KNOW! ONLY I REMEMBER!”
When someone tells me they’re sick I try to make them feel better with a story about my own sickness that was much worse and many years ago.
Today I threw away an empty Amazon box that’s been sitting on the floor for two weeks, so that means tomorrow I’ll have a need for that box.
Sometimes the last thing people hear before they’re murdered is the sound of their pen that they won’t stop clicking.
I would have retweeted that but the sun was in my eyes and I got a lot of personal problems and I’m jealous.
I’m babysitting my 2 yr old nephew today and when I told him he couldn’t eat ice cream for breakfast he told me “you’re not my best friend anymore” so we compromised and now he’s on his second bowl of ice cream and I’ve gained the title “best friend in the whole wide world”
Enforcer: Kids don’t get kneecaps until age 6.
Baby loan shark: Well crap. How am I supposed to get my money out of the little snots?
Watching my kids inspecting the French dips I made like I’m about to defend a dissertation
Them: and what is this?
Me: that is ..(checks notes).. Provolone cheese, ma’am
Them: hmmmmm….
baker: making perfect baked goods is all about precise measurements
me: cool can i get a dozen muffins pls?
baker: sure thing *hands me 13 muffins*
If you don’t think Colorado needs a wall then you’ve never met someone from Wyoming
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in mathematics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: minus one
I think, 25 years later, it’s pretty goddamn safe to say that nobody made an entrance like Chris Farley.
Like sure, yes. Encouraging independent play is good for a kid’s development but like…these people sound like they just want to leave their babies in the wilderness for the wolves to raise
Valentine’s Day is a stupid and made up holiday unless someone wants to give me a present in which case I really believe in celebrating it
[about to go in for emergency surgery]
ME: *slips surgeon a $20* what if you were to give me wings like a giant bird?
Sometimes I’m playing a dangerous game like Halo & people ask if I get scared but honestly no, your training just takes over
I support this random dude and all his protests
Good morning to everyone except idiots who see you eating your fries and still ask “are you going to finish these?”