Me: well someone woke up in a fowl mood
Turkey: *getting dressed* please lose my number
You Might Also Like
Autocorrect changed swab to swan and now my covid test is way more complicated. And dangerous.
To answer your question: No, I’ve never been sought after, but I did once confuse a man’s intentions toward my lasagna as being sought after so I married him.
Next time you want to hurt a horse’s feelings, tell him he’s hung like a human.
[speed dating]
DATE: ding
ME: did u just make the ding sound with ur mouth
DATE: no
ME: we have 4 minutes left
DATE: *louder this time* ding
Friend: Hey man I haven’t seen you since you had a baby. How’s parenthood?
Me: Up at dawn. Milk. Survive. Distract. Feed. Milk. Distract. Physical activity. Feed. Milk. Asleep at sundown.
Friend: Hahaha sounds like farming.
Me: That’s right. Parents are kid farmers.
1. gather ’round, young-uns, whiles I tellya bout how yer momma & I met, and also practice this genteel old-timey accent
🍛
I cheat on my taxes by sleeping with other people’s taxes.
Found the kid playing with her dog instead of Zooming with her teacher. She told me not to worry. She took a screenshot of herself “paying attention,” then cut her video & replaced it with the picture. “It’s a gallery view of 20 kids, mom. They can’t tell.” She is 10. #COVID19
Everyone preaches body acceptance, until you show up naked at the company picnic.
there should be an olympic sport for pessimism, not that i could ever win
this article brought to you by lions
First, that jerk cut me off in traffic, then he stole my parking space, and then his stupid car got paint on my key!
Me: kid, you have no chill
5: I do, I just don’t use it
Someone die? Time to get high!
Come on down to Barry’s Death Emporium where we put the FUN in funeral and the RAVE in grave!
(BYO shovel)
Accidentally triple-knotted my laces so I guess I’m wearing these shoes for the rest of my life.
The 6th day of xmas was the worst day of xmas bc after getting 5 golden rings she thought he moved on to jewelry & did not expect more birds
My ex-girlfriend had weekly lessons with the devil on how to become more evil. I still don’t know how much she charges him though
[texting old friend I only hung out with cuz they had a trampoline] do u still got that trampoline
Everyone in “Star Wars”.
Everyone in “The Muppets”.
Everyone in “Game of Thrones”.This is now the first tweet with over 140 characters.
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home.
“HONEY, ITS THE BANK. SOMEBODY USED YOUR CARD TO BUY A HUMAN HAMSTER WHEEL??”
Me [from basement, out of breath] “what”
*Salt-Free Chocolate Covered Potato Chips*
My Wife… The Bargain Hunter
I like to torture my kids by buying them a new Xbox game, and then taking them to the zoo all day.
If my boyfriend really cared about me, he’d stop being imaginary…
age 9- *jumps off fences, feels fine*
age 19- *jumps off garage on a dare, feels fine*
age 39- *takes Aleve cuz I “slept funny”
Who needs fireworks when I have aluminum foil and a microwave?
Whoa. I guess one dude quit:
There is no bigger liar than the person who named the everything bagel.