Me: well that didn’t age well
My Mirror:
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Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
For those of you worried about AI, I think we’ve got a few more years before Skynet is an issue.
Me: My book was translated for the UK.
Wife: They speak English.
Me: *looks at the 1000 times they changed “stroller” to “buggy”* Sort of.
*Hiring an electrician
Just so I know you’re qualified, how many eels can you safely hook together and use as an extension cord
Active voice: I loved your book
Passive voice: Your book was loved
Passive-aggressive voice: I love how you felt the need to write a book
I hope Bitcoin is like Snapchat in that people stop talking about it before I have to learn what it is.
amazon: our prime deliveries may be delayed due to covid-19
me: thats okay *hits accept*
amazon [seconds later]: *package smashes through living room window*
ME: Whatcha doin?
WIFE: Watchin Dune.
ME: I asked you first, Sharon.
When there’s food around, our cat is like an adorable, fluffy shark circling round.
no cat here
Me, to myself: I am a strong and independent woman. I’m perfectly capable of doing things by myself.
Me, to my toddler: I’m calling Santa.
Shit. Gotta huge job interview tomorrow and I have no clue where I put my prom dress
At the aquarium, I hide my hands in my pockets so the Hammerheads don’t see my nails.
They didn’t leave much room for new models when they called it the ‘ULTRA-Sound’. “Mr Sutherland, I’ll book you in for a Sonic-Boom”
[Being buried alive]
Guess I’m really living on…
*I knock-knock on coffin lid*
…burrowed time
Gravediggers: this is why
If your wife says “take out the trash” do not reply with “you cooked it you take it out.”
Him: so do you prefer top or bottom?
Me: either, as long as there’s butter
Him: are we still talking about se-
Me: muffins, yes
Always leave them wanting their money back.
I don’t like swiss cheese because a block is like half air and I prefer cheese to oxygen
…..pretty much.
How do you restore your body back to ‘factory settings’?
Is it kale? it’s kale, isn’t it? please don’t say kale.
me: my friend died in her sleep 🙁
my grandpa: back in my day we walked uphill 10 miles before we died
I changed the pictures in the bathroom a year ago, my toddler just realized, your understanding is appreciated as she goes through this hard time
ME: *goes on mute after giving update on a conference call*
MY 4 Y/O: [standing behind me baffled] daddy, what does any of that even mean?
ME: i don’t know, girl. i don’t know
This could be the Alcohol talking but….
OMG you guys! The ALCOHOL is TALKING!
“They’re probably more afraid of you than you are of them,” I say, as a snarling pack of wolves attacks my friend Jeff
I bet M. Day Shyamalan movies would be a lot less scary, am I right?
We all suspected Tide Pods were a gateway detergent. Sure, they seem innocent, but the next thing you know, you’re mainlining Lysol.
r/relationships
I (36m) met my girlfriend (32f) at the exact moment after i sucked helium from a balloon to do a funny voice for a buddy. now weve been together 8 months & Im constantly having to suck helium from balloons when shes not looking because she thinks that’s my voice
Cashier: how old r u?
Me:*holding beer nervously* uuh 21
Cashier:*shaking his head sadly as he pulls Trix out of my cart* Trix are for kids.