me: well, they sell flower arrangements at the grocery store
florist: I understand your point, we just don’t carry peanut butter
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my favorite posts on fb are the people who apologize for not having be on in a while and nobody cares that they’re back
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
Addiction therapist: You’ve tweeted 36k tweets in a year.
Me: Yeah, so?
Therapist: What are you paying me for?
Me: Material.
Therapist: …
Yes my dude
Mum always told me to wear clean underwear in case I got run over by a bus. I can now tell you from experience that if you do get hit by a bus, your underwear won’t remain clean.
On my 5 year old’s report card it said, “He is encouraged to ask more questions”.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME.
Woke up last night and the ghost of Gloria Gaynor was standing over my bed. At first I was afraid, i was petrified.
Wikigenius
“How are you single?”
you about to find out, just hang tight lmaoo
VENTRILOQUIST: {getting waterboarded}
PUPPET: Stop you’re killing him!
CIA AGENT: Get me more water!
Top Seven Things Men Don’t See Coming:
7. Plot twists
6. Police cruiser
5. Love
4. Trash day
3. Health issues
2. Her reaction
1. That
[First day as a waiter]
Customer: Are your burgers 100% certified ground beef?
Me: duh cow’s can’t fly you idiot
[1st Day after wildebeests take over]
I’m safe in my house
[Day 7]
Thought I heard clattering
[Day 21]
THEY CAN OPEN DOORS WITH THEIR HOOVES
Thank you automatic ice dispenser.
I was hoping to get either 2 or 675 ice cubes.
The microwave was invented in 1946 when an enraged toddler demanded his food be locked in a revolving prison and destroyed by lasers.
Sorry I’m late. I was standing in front of the cooler staring at names on Coca Cola bottles for 10 mins realizing how many people I dislike.
“I knew Jesus when he was just a carpenter.”
-the first hipster
My son keeps running around naked, so I sprayed him with Windex. It’s supposed to prevent streaking.
Maybe pandas can eat more foods than bamboo but no one has ever offered them a Twizzler.
“Let me slip into something more comfortable”, I say with a wink then come back in twice as much clothing as before
I set my alarm clock 15 minutes fast because I enjoy doing math problems first thing in the morning,
[date]
Him: Would it bother you to learn that I’m married?
Her: Look, I don’t believe in bigamy.
Him: So size doesn’t matter either? Phew!
I’m having a shitty day, but then I remembered to shift my perspective, and I realized I’m also having a pretty crappy week.
Two little monkeys
Jumping on the bed
One fell off and
Bumped his head EXACTLY HOW THEIR MOM SAID SOMEONE WOULD BUT NO ONE LISTENS TO HER.
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you save from no longer having a social life.
Maybe Bigfoot wouldn’t be so reclusive if we stopped body shaming him
When life gives you lemons maybe think to yourself, “that’s really quite remarkable given how far I live from a climate capable of growing citrus.”
My 9 year old got an IPhone today and so far I’ve had 93 texts and 14 FaceTime calls from the other room just to say “Whatcha doin?”
Nothing sexier than when a man pulls you close, looks deep into your eyes, and puts a Babybel in your mouth.