Me: Well, this calls for a celebration *cracks open beer*
Wife: …you took out the trash
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9-year-old: Why do we have to dress up for church?
Me: To show God we have our act together.
9: But he knows we’re lying.
Him: Are you mad?
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typingHer: No, I’m fine, why?
[sitting on the deck with my son]
Me: look son, everything the light touches-
Son: yes dad?
Me: -you have to mow.
My therapist says “being eaten by a bear” is not a “goal”.
Allow me to demonstrate my special technique of hearing what isn’t being said.
funeral catering business:
your loss, our gain
Just know that somebody out there is thinking of you, and you should really lock your doors.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: let’s back up for a second
ME: what’s wrong
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: did you just call it dude diligence
Anyone who says actions speak louder than words hasn’t heard this lady in the booth next to me at Chili’s.
Pretty majorly caught up in this whole Olympics thing.. ran up the stairs earlier.
When I turn on the lights all of the dads scatter off of my deck, the fat dads can’t get over the fence
My husband sneezed and now everyone on Nextdoor is asking what that loud noise was.
me: I just don’t know what you see in me
X-ray tech: twelve ice cream sandwiches. Still in their foil wrappers
[plays harmonica] is this kissing?
Hotel pillows are the proof that God is angry with us.
I just found out that the only thing you need to apply for a marriage license is your ID and an idiot.
Pilot is one of the few jobs where you can get fired for going above and beyond
The Neverending Story is my favorite movie about laundry
Why is it called an exorcist’s holy water and not disinfecthaunt?
…and send
There are 2 wolves inside me and they’re both eating tacos
I bought beard oil yesterday, so now I have to pick a favorite IPA.
DOCTOR: have you been drinking enough fluids?
ME: that’s literally all I drink
I won’t believe in God until “Thou shalt puffeth, puffeth once more and passeth to your neighbor” becomes a Commandment.
Caller ID really needs to be more detailed like “Your neighbor Todd needs help moving a couch” or the “ex wife is on her way over go hide in the basement.
If you have a plateful of generic fries they’ll only steal one, but you’ll wish they had taken them all
Be Careful Driving
#BostonBlizzard2015
It’s time to play “Is My Kid Hugging Me or Cleaning His Nose or Both?”
Professor X: Being literal is not a superpower
Guy: But-
Wolverine: Look man, just take the L and leave
Guy: *Drives away*
Woverine: Oh no you didnt!
2 incomes are better than 1 fellas. Make sure your girl got 2 jobs