Me: Well, time to go to bed.
[lies down, pulls sheet up, closes eyes]
Anger: Feel that rapid heart beat?
Me: I do.
Anger: You’re thinking about how Nellie Breton didn’t invite you to her pool party in 12th grade.
Me: Damn it.
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2021
Employees: We’ve decided to go in a different direction. We’re gonna have to let you go.
Managers: wut?
My ex just sneezed and I accidentally said “bless you”.
Now she is staring at the bushes confused and wondering who said that.
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: You know…my bed is kinda cold when I’m in it on my ownME: Well maybe I could help you with that *leans in* just put a small heater by the side of your bed
[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
Shit. My daughter just told me that the handwriting on the Tooth Fairy’s I.O.U. looks the same as mine.
If you’re angry at somebody and subtweeting them and it’s not me please add “Not you Jim.” at the end. Thank you.
*gets off on a technicality
Technicality: Perv.
Fighting on twitter be like 🤣
I have 2 words for you:
Waffle.
Pants.Also, I may be high from paint fumes.
Yes, I said I was sorry and that I’d do anything to win you back. But that was before you told me you needed a ride to the airport at 5am.
person sitting next to me on a plane: [nervously] how often do planes crash
me: usually once
The evening ended rather abruptly after the following exchange:
Her: And here is a picture of me at 20.
Me: OMG what happened?!
sometimes i don’t spot my typos until it’s toilet
*pulls away from kissing, stares intently into his eyes
Your eyes are like pools of melted chocolate
Him: U started your diet, didn’t u
me: my sister’s getting married, want to be my date?
her: wedding attire?
me: no, judith, she’s marrying a man
*picking up coins off the dance floor*
I knew I should have emptied my fanny pack before twerking.
I sleep with a squirt gun under my pillow just in case a gang of cats break in while I’m sleeping.
Lord help the person who honks at a mom while she’s strapping her kids in their car seats.
It was already gonna take an hour to get us ready, but now it might just take 2.
They should just call the news “guess who was an idiot today.”
There’s a serious limit in how much one can take
Wife: I swear, it’s like you never even listen to me!!!
Me: Sounds great, Dear.
I plucked my first gray hair today. The lady it came from got so mad you guys.
*house explodes into flames*
Kids: mom, what’s for dinner?
My mother talks into the phone like a combat soldier calling in air support.
Received dm of the day
No, I don’t want to experience a “typhoon” on your waterbed.
“If decorative towels can be a thing then decorative grills can be a thing”
~Me buying a cool looking copper charcoal grill that I don’t really need.
When a millenial asks why everyone in old photos have red eyes I tell them they were too young to remember the great demon uprising of the 1980s.
*puts water bottle across the room to force myself to move*
*dies*
My youngest son’s dirty clothes sit on the floor, beneath the laundry chute.
I admire his hope that they’ll bounce up and swish down.