Me: Well, today sucked.
Him: It’s 9 AM.
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A small tragedy.
Omg. It happened again.
I was using the flashlight on my phone. To look for my phone.
Help me 😩
My daughter’s birthday wishlist this year can only be deciphered by a much, much richer man.
*after sex
No, you cannot sleep over.
Husband:
[mall food court]
Me: *stomach rumbling* OMG not now
Brain: Too bad you hate using public washrooms
My White Undies: Sweet baby jesus no
If I were to give myself the award for being the laziest person on Earth, I’ll do it tomorrow.
#LazyProcrastinator #procrastination
*sees a spider*
I’m going to kill him
*turn around to get a shoe*
*turns back around and spider has 8 shoes*
Alright, let’s be cool here
Pro tip: Wearing an 18th century corset really weeds out the quitters
[assigning roles]
god: the sun shall fuel all life on earth
sun: sounds good
god: and the moon shall make tiny waves and werewolves
moon: hell yes
If you have nothing nice to say, tweet.
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
Taught my daughter how to use Amazon Lists and now I have 371 items under “you should buy me this”
Guys, my heart is broken. Utterly broken.
I’ve been married more than 10 years. A whole decade and I guess even that’s not enough to fully know a person
I came home early today from work to surprise my wife. I opened the door and walked in on her watching “twilight” on Netflix
I hate when people say “I’d give up my first born child for that.”
If you really want to entice me, offer to raise one of mine.
For Halloween I’m giving out razor blades with candy in them. These kids’ll be shaving away and then BAM – nougat everywhere.
I nearly choked on a hard boiled egg and I know in my heart a cinnamon bun would never treat me this way
[teen me w/GF in my dad’s car]
Me: You wanna do it?
Her: *giggling* Yes
Me: *hears voice whisper no glove, no love* GET OUT OF THE CAR MOM
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
*Walks 500 miles
*Walks 500 more
*Is the guy who falls down at your door
*Knocks
*Gets no answer
*Realizes he should have called first
How many people in America do you think I can trick into believing that Brexit is the name of one of Sarah Palin’s kids?
*whispers to an avocado*
“I’m the good kind of fat, too.”
Dylan Thomas: Do not go gentle into that good night… Rage, rage against the dying of the light…
*cut to me already Hulk-smashing a lamp
Almost went outside without my phone and now I know what it’s like to lose your child at the mall
WIFE: why is there a chicken wearing glasses in our living room
ME: he’s my new friend
CHICKEN: *pecks at the floor and his glasses fall off*
ME: oh no where did Cluck Kent go
I caught a genie! He keeps saying “I’m not a genie. Let me go!” Whatever, Ahmed. You can go when I get my magic carpet. I know my rights.
My grandpa went broke like 6 times trying stupid get rich quick schemes and played tennis like 5 days a week never got good and then when he died we found a bunch of sex picture that he was taking with my grandma so I’m not sure that generation was much different tbh
Her: Describe your ideal date.
Me: I’d order an extra large pizza.
Her: Interesting. What would I be wearing?
Me: Oh, you’d be there, too?
People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous.
Lord of the Rings: A Shortened Version
-Give me the ring.
-No.