ME: well well well, look who’s about to make a killing
MURDERER: [just stabs me even harder]
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A coworker just complained that nobody was talking to her and I really wish I had her kind of problems.
I don’t mean to brag but HR told me no one had ever eaten everyone’s lunch before as a reason to fit their own food in the fridge.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i’m so optimistic
HER: yes
ME: cool see u tonight
My generation acts like they invented podcasts but my mom has been leaving 40min voicemails since before the internet.
At the rate I’m throwing shit out as I pack to move there’s a strong possibility not all the kids will make it to the new house
I once dated a girl for 3 months because we were stuck in a hammock.
*about to die*
Me: AAAAAAHHHH!!
*life flashes before my eyes*
Me: Oh, right.
A rabbit has a father who has a big hair care product empire and wonders if one day his child will become the Hair heir hare.
Saying you’re single
• sobering
• gets you sad looks at parties
• invites relatives to murmur ‘you’ll find someone‘ for everSaying ‘I stand alone‘
• mysterious
• confident
• puts you on the same level as Théoden King
A bird laments over the corpse of its fallen comrade. “Tern down. For what?”
OKAY IF YOU CANNOT HAVE CAKE AND EAT IT TOO WHAT EXACTLY IS THE PURPOSE OF CAKE
[If my dog could talk]
DUDE, IT’S BEEN 9 YEARS. I GET IT. I’M A GOOD BOY
Kid: Can we pleeease stop for ice cream?
Mom: What did I just say?!?
Kid: Don’t you remember?
I hope 2016 doesn’t get renewed. The plot is ridiculous and none of the characters are likable.
the guy who named Newfoundland really didn’t try at all, did he?
the only difference between 15 year old me and current me is that if i fell off of a skateboard now i would die.
A coworker started telling my kids a story with the sort of zeal you often see from people who don’t have kids of their own. It took less than 4 minutes of inquiries and interruptions for my son to completely break her spirit and bring storytime to a grinding halt. That’s my boy.
Dentist: You grind at night.
Me: Oh, game recognize game.
My sleeping pills say don’t mix with alcohol, but drop it in the glass and it dissolves just fine. Doctors think they know everything.
nurse: height
me: i’m 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
I lost my cool when I had to click on a heart three times before it would stick.
I’d probably make a lousy paramedic.
[diary, day 3642 on deserted island]
How can I still be fat?
Shower sex be like:
Sunflower seeds: For when you want to have a snack while pretending you’re a cockatiel.
You’d think that the guy in charge of putting pepperoni on frozen pizzas would’ve been up for a performance review by now.
WIFE: our son has an A in Biology!
ME: *shoving another donut in my mouth* I wasn’t the one who taught him how to spell
Being a civilian in a city of superhero’s must be so long 😭
When your parents said you could be anything you wanted, I don’t think they meant annoying
I must be getting old.
The haircut I need is in my nose.