ME: we’re gonna crash I thought you said you could fly this thing
HER: no I just said that I do pilates
ME: *sighing* fine then call one of them and see if they can help us land
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Boss: For your first assignment I need 500 words about the healthcare debate by Friday
Me: *lied about going to journalism school* Oh wow ok umm
Bad
Unhealthy
Debateful
Shouty
Sadfaceemoji
Scary
Awkward
Hashtagnotgoals
Angr-
When kidnappers take sensitivity training: fragrance free chloroform
[Terminator Academy]
Terminator: When you travel to the past you will arrive nude.
Insecurminator: oh no!
[job interview]
“Do you have any addictions or habits that we should know about?”
*takes long drag from cigarette*
Not that I’m aware of.
Pavlov’s dog but it’s me reaching in the backseat for trash every time my kid says “MOM!”
Oh good, a gift card to Arby’s.
*waits for their birthday*
Them: Thanks Aimee for the…
*opens box*
(cat hair pasted to paper & framed)
Kate Middleton is 36 and just had her third royal baby.
I’m 36 and just had an almond I found in my sports bra.
Guess we’re both living the dream.
Any time a sentence starts with “This is America!” brace your ears for some next level ignorant shit.
Do a little dance, make a little love, pay child support.
Sci-fi is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this and fantasy is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this
Due to inflation they will now be known as Maroon 6, Sum 47 and 103 Degrees, respectively
The ironic thing about the original Scooby Doo adventures was that the only real supernatural phenomena they encountered was a TALKING DOG.
If horror movies have taught me anything it’s that you can build a house on an Indian burial ground & yet still be haunted by white people.
“I’ll never forget you Jack”
“Can I float on that wood too, Rose?”
“I’ll always remember you”
“Seems like there’s room for–”
“Goodbye Jack”
i can’t stop writing holiday rom com synopses so i guess i’ll just continue doing it until my hands fall off
I am bringing 21 tamales to Thanksgiving because it’s the year 2021 and also because I ate three of them already.
*bugs bunny*
bunny: stop bothering me
this is one of the absolute funniest things hozier’s ever done and i stand by that
*plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth* are you theriouthly breaking up wiff me??
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away.
You are my people.
People use the term lab rat pejoratively even though there is probably no finer life than one dedicated to solving puzzles and eating cheeses.
What unbearably horny inventor came up with the lickable envelope
“Oh this? This everyday, functional object? You have to caress its entire length sensuously with your tongue to activate it. I am a very normal person.”
“Let the chips fall where they may.”
-My kids when they’re eating chips on the couch.
“do you have any pets”
[remembers girls like sensitive guys] a cat
“what’s his name”
[remembers girls also like tough guys] missile launcher
“fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u” – a goldfish 🙁
I did win the cartwheel contest but the other people at the funeral seemed upset.
The car salesman said my vehicle will seat five people without any problems. How am I suppose to find five people without any problems?
Me: But aren’t you scared of the Elf on the Shelf? We don’t have to have him come around…
Kid: No! He’s just a stuffy that comes to life and tickles you and watches you all the time, it’s fine.
Cool, but now I’m scared…
shrek the third may have not been as great as the other movies but this transition still gets me
*Turns on work computer*
*Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately locks computer as it’s now lunchtime*
*Logs back into computer. Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately closes down computer as it’s time to go*