Me: we’re having toad in the hole for breakfast
Pet toad: WHAT
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Son: How do you always know when we lie? It’s like you’re a psychic or a wizard or something.
Me: The word you’re looking for is “mother.”
This may be my favorite dog video ever.
Walking into WalMart with my kids, “Remember, kids – use your Target voices.”
If every time someone asks you to do something you quietly gasp and whisper, “Like the prophecy foretold.” People stop asking you to do things.
her: so we could have sex
me: 🙁
her: or we could do the complex fight choreography you came up with
me: 🙂
her: [sigh] i’ll get the katanas
I believe in healthy eating so today I’ll be making a Cadbury egg omelet.
WIFE: my battery died, do you have something that can power my cell?
ME: [sips from World’s Greatest Science Teacher mug] ᵗʰᵉ ᵐᶦᵗᵒᶜʰᵒⁿᵈʳᶦᵃ
Girl, did it hurt…when you fell from heaven? *smooshed girl bobs away making accordion sounds*
The worst part of getting a chain wallet for your birthday is that now you have 3 days to send 10 chain wallets to your friends.
my girlfriend and i are on a little road trip and she’s driving, which means it’s my job to look out the window and periodically say “horsies” or “cows”
According to all these “note to self” sticky notes I am a very forgetful person also I have no idea what these notes mean
Uber Driver: How was your day?
Me: Pretty good. Just saw Spider-Man.
Uber Driver: How do you know him?
wtf management?!
INTERVIEWER: what’s a skill you want to improve?
ME: to realize when someone isn’t talking to me
JOE: uh…Excel
Juror:We find the defendant-
*pizza guy bursts in*
“Ive got 2 pizzas for Not Guilty”
Defendant: Im Not Guilty
Judge:NOT GUILTY
*bangs gavel*
“We’re not lost!” Dad would insist, despite Mom’s complaints that “This isn’t on the map” and “We shouldn’t be seeing the ocean from Tulsa.”
[cat clinic]
DR. CAT: What seems to be the problem?
CAT: Me-ow
DR. CAT: You need to be more specific
Went to bank robbing school and the teacher told me to take notes.
Dog barking like an angry baby, baby crying like an angry dog.
SOMEBODY: she had a boyfriend who looked like that girlfriend that you had in february of last year
ME: what the hell are you talking about
You know you drank too much last night when you have to use google maps to locate yourself the next morning.
Bring multiple sets of clothes to work, change every hour, and act like nothing’s different.
Me: Dishwasher’s broken.
16: I’m sorry.
Me: Did you break it?
16: No, I meant, like, “I’m sorry for your loss.”
ive never seen any flies in the house but this spider is getting fat so how do I tip a spider?
Spent a few hours hand sanding drywall and it always reminds me of my mentor Mr. Miagi who would say, “you’re no Daniel, now get back to work or I’ll beat you like a drum.”
Autumn. When libraries see the classics fly off the shelves as people look for heavy books to press leaves.
Ha! OK I’ll get off the OK shite now
Principal: Bob, you’re their Sex Ed teacher. These kids depend on you *slams fists on desk* SO WHY ARE YOU TELLING THEM COOTIES ARENT REAL
I would definitely deny being from here if the aliens pulled up and asked. Not claiming this embarrassing planet in front of intergalactic travellers, are you dumb?