ME: we’re leaving in 15 minutes
KID1: im ready
KID2: readyME: ok time to go
KID1: i don’t have any socks
KID2: i fell in the toilet
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Happy 50% off black jellybeans day!
Having someone cancel plans on you is like watching trash take itself out.
[reading directions]
These are probably garbage words, I’ll just do what I, a moron, think
Going out with a girl who works in cyber security next week so I’m gonna print out all my passwords and ask what she thinks
Never hate someone for the color of their skin or who they love. Hate them for putting mayo on a hotdog. That person deserves it
Could you imagine being the Secret Service agent that blocked a bullet for Donald Trump, 20 years later? You wouldn’t tell anyone.
My 10 year-old nephew is learning about Argentina, so I told him about all the great wines they make down there, and this, my friends, is how you get out of after-school pickups.
Last night, during dinner, my 7 year old son said….
I need a pen and paper to write down the recipe for this so that when I have children I can make it for them because it’s really nice.
So apparently, he has his whole life planned out, including meals.
Cop searching my pockets: How does he have so many rocks!?
I was ringing this 0800 number for two days before I realised it was their opening hours.
*puts a picture of Roger Rabbit in a picture frame*
I did it. I framed Roger Rabbit.
I was hoping to lose weight when I quit drinking, but it turns out that’s not how pregnancy works.
If life gives you a cactus that doesn’t mean you have to sit on it.
*Opening presents
1986: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
2016: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
Her: what are you thinking about?
Me, thinking about the time I was drunk and chased a pig around the petting zoo: how much I love you
Cyberman: I am allergic to gold.
Elf: I’m allergic to iron.
Cyberman: I’m made of iron.
Elf: I can make gold appear at my fingertips.
Cyberman:
Elf:
Cyberman: We should probably stop seeing each other.
[playing D&D&D]
Guy Fieri: Is anybody eating that burger or do I have to roll for it?
ME: in closing, all of the facts I’ve presented today prove that Bush did 911
PRIEST: and now the bride will read the vows she has written
*unzips babybell cheese*
yeah. that’s him.
*rezips babybell cheese*
Do you know where mansplainers get their water from?
Well, actually…
Does anyone else bring a bag of clever disguises to the grocery store in case there’s a wine sampling booth that day?
Dr: How can I help you?
Me: Can you make me look like this?
Dr: Ma’am, that’s a picture of Hello Kitty.
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
If I had to pick a favorite Rocky movie, it’d be Rocky IV. I’ve never seen it but I hear Creed dies in that one & I really hate their music.
If I wake and then I bake, I pray The Lord for chocolate cake. Amen.
Good news. My neighbor found that last box of fireworks.
*overheard from the other room
8yo: Can I have an ice cream sandwich?
Grandma: Did you finish your dinner?
8yo: No
Grandma: Just one then
BRIAN MAY: It was an accident. Let’s dump the body and split, we’ll meet up again this time tomorrow. Remember, no one can know about this. Can’t tell your friends, can’t tell your wives. You can’t even tell your own mamas. Understood?
FREDDIE MERCURY: (already humming) got it
[Quarantine, Day 5]
Me: Amelia, push my afternoon meetings this conference call is running long
My daughter’s Amelia Bedelia doll wearing a Bluetooth:
Eye drops falling everywhere except my eyes is why I have trust issues.