Me: We’re only here for a short while, so we should love one another and hold each other as much as possible.
Guy in back of elevator: Can you just press 19?
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Guys, don’t panic if you find a sticky note from your wife in the morning with only the word “garbage” on it. It’s probably just trash day.
I’m proud to announce that am winning my fight against sobriety.
ARSONIST: I will be the firefighter’s greatest enemy.
GUY WHO PUTS CATS IN TREES: I will also be that.
How can a pair of men’s swim trunks be $90?! Is the net for your privates lined with gold?
Me, dressed as Zeus: Release the kraken!
Son, *from his holding cell*: Just bail me out. Why are you like this?
hedgehog getting an x-ray looks like a whoopee cushion is being interrogated
I don’t wanna last longer in bed, I got post coital jokes.
If I ever spend over $300 on shoes, they better have some James Bond shit in them.
i be like “i’m fine” then shake my leg 200mph
*feeding 2 stray dogs spaghetti*
WTF KISS ALREADY
Me: *pouts at front facing camera*
Front facing camera: I have a girlfriend.
On the phone:
Me – Do you have brown or beige gravy for Thanksgiving?
Mom – Brown, why?
Me – No reason.
(Pulls out brown shirt for preemptive spills)
Cyndi Lauper: “Girls just want to have fun.”
Me: “Some of us just want eight hours of uninterrupted sleep.”
I’d probably start exercising if it didn’t require moving around so much.
Everyone preaches body acceptance, until you show up naked at the company picnic.
I accidentally said HAIL SANTA instead of HAIL SATAN at satanic church today and now everyone is laughing at me and they took away my robes.
*receives invitation to dry wedding*
*becomes wine smuggler and most popular wedding guest ever*
every outdoor cat should be given a little cowboy hat and a gun
Me: Ok, these are the specs. Do you think you can do it?
Architect: These look like renovation plans for a Barbie Dream House.
Me: And?
If you walk into a meeting and say “sorry, I have to go to another meeting.”
You can avoid every meeting.
You’re welcome.
You know you’re married if you’ve ever taken a picture of an empty grocery store shelf just to prove you tried.
I’m at the age where a “movie marathon” means .75 movies
3: I’m going to say hi to that boy on the bike
Boy rides by & she waves shyly after he passes
3: He didn’t hear me
Me: Flirting’s hard
[Romeo and Juliet as turtles]
ROMEO: Death hath sucked the honey of thy breath
JULIET: I’m just stuck on my back
R: we’re turtles, Juliet
Me: *staring into mirror*
Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary
*skeleton bartender appears and slides me a drink*
SB: $8.50, $8.50, $8.50
If you wanna go and take a ride with me with three women in the floor with the goat cheese.
Me: Remind me of your name again?
Ben: It’s Ben
Me: one week since you looked at me…
Friend: Are you free this weekend?
Me: That’s not how this works. First you tell me what you had in mind and then I respond with either a “yeah” or a dishonest excuse
“The floor is larva.”
– Indiana Jones, entering the Temple of Doom
when your parents get a divorce you gotta figure out if pokemon mom or pokemon dad has better exclusives. lucky if you have a sibling so you can each pick one and trade