Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Took my kid to a roller rink and strapped on skates for the first time in 30 years.

The arcade games, the music, the disco ball; every detail took me straight back to my youth.

The only new feature was the ambulance ride.

If you look up euphoria in the dictionary, there’s a picture of me killing a fly I’ve been chasing for three hours.

My dad is in Hawaii for travel…

I hope that boomerang I threw in 2009 is happy out there somewhere, maybe in a relationship with little boomerangs that don’t listen either.

[first day as a wizard]

me: babe I said I was sorry

frog: >:(

Friend: If you love cheeseburgers so much, why don’t you marry one?!

*looks at wife, wife shakes her head

Me: I’m not allowed

*kicks dirt

Since the summer Olympics got postponed a year, that means I still have time to master ribbon gymnastics.

I got run over by a bus once but yes yes you’re right, there’s nothing worse than a paper cut!

My husband said I need a scary costume for Halloween this year, so I’m dressing up as a Positive Pregnancy Test.

Bi women make the best comedians because we can never keep a straight face.

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