Me: We’ve eaten nonstop for four straight days.
Wife: I know. It’s awful.
Me: So… we can either eat AGAIN— or we could go into the other room and burn a few calories…
Wife: I’ll preheat the oven.
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Survey: Are you a Democrat or a Republican?
Me: Labels are for soup cans
Survey: Can you tell us which way you’re leaning?
Me: Clam chowder
The cat hair really brings out the notes of fruit and cedar doesn’t it
– Me, if you’re drinking wine at my house
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
Counting Crows in the 90s: “They took all the trees and put ’em in a tree museum and they charged the people a dollar and a half to see them.”
Me in 2023: “Wow that’s a good price.”
TOP 10 ANIMAL OPPOSITES
pencilguin
richcupine
legadillo
cantgaroo
dogerpillar
noneigator
stoprilla
goodger
tellthetruthon
uncleeater
My toddler climbed out of her crib and my first thought was “Why don’t they make some kind of lid or attachment for the top of these things?”
Then I realized thaaaaat’s a cage.
Interviewer: what qualifies you as a horticulturist?
Me: I have something growing on everything in my fridge.
Due to inflation my love will now be costing a thing
[guy who’s about to invent politics]
*getting along with everyone* this just won’t do
Friend:*terrified* don’t make a sound and maybe the killer won’t find us
Me: *quietly tries to tighten velcro sneakers*
DATING: i can’t believe we have so much in common
MARRIAGE: please don’t watch your stuff under my netflix profile
going door to door asking “have you seen my son? well can i at least have some candy?”
My home security system growing up was my parents telling me not to open the door for anyone.
i could never use my superhero powers to become an actual superhero because i could never commit to the lifestyle.
oh wait, that alarm says someone is in trouble RIGHT NOW? sorry, i need at least 48 hours notice and a written form
I can’t tell the difference between large, extra large and jumbo eggs. There, I said it.
[Nightcap]
Me: *giving tour* and this is my room.
Her: It’s….a….nice.
Me: Let me stop you there. The He-man sheets are purely decorative and in no way a reflection of my prowess in bed.
Imagine you get murdered and some girl skips your episode of forensic files because it’s boring.
My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home
parents nowadays: video games are too violent
parents from history times: c’mon kids, let’s go down to the colosseum to watch a murder!
Him: that only took me 90 seconds! New record! HIGH FIVE!
Me:
The human body is made up of 80% water, therefore, I’m not fat; I’m flooded
Sorry I turned my welcome mat the other way when you came over.
[laying in bed]
wife: Did you remember to find a stud before you hung the TV up?
me: Yes
*sound of TV crashing to the floor*
me: No
At 57, when I say I want to last longer in bed, I mean sleep more.
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Levitates bread*
Shout out to coworkers that wait until the final 5 minutes of a meeting to ask 20 questions. We all hate you
Twitter has actually made me smarter. I proofread, I verify spelling and punctuation. Downside is I am now mute and haven’t bathed in days.
Therapist: Where do you see this going?
Me: Drinking and talking to the bartender instead of you.
One of my favorite lies to tell myself is that a blueberry muffin is substantially more nutritious than a chocolate chip muffin.
Son got a RC drone for Christmas. Used it twice and never touched it again. I’ve become a bit of an expert on it chasing the neighbour’s cat out the garden when he comes for a dump. I can get the drone on and out the window in thirty seconds and chase him across six gardens.