Me: [whacks huge hairy spider with rolled up newspaper] …Got it!
David Attenborough to Producer: Can we get a different camera operator please
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i’m such an introvert i don’t even talk to myself
Miscakes
Fell in love with my cashier today, but then she said “Hi, how are you?” to the next customer, like that wasn’t totally OUR thing!
Them: love what you do and you’ll never work a day in your life
Me: ok how can I make this apply to eating cheese?
He wanted to role play doctor and patient, so I have him waiting in my living room next to my neighbour with the wet cough.
As a belated Valentine’s Day gift, I am leaving the country for a week.
My husband: how is that a gift if I have to take care of the kids alone?
Me: sorry I was talking to myself
People without kids: I’ll never yell at my kids
People with kids: I DONT KNOW WHY SOMEONE SPIT THEIR GUM ON THE ROAD JUST WALK!
I feel like every time a GOP candidate drops out, Oompa Loompas should appear & sing a song to teach us about the perils of gluttony & greed
Die Hard (1988) A shoeless New Yorker murders a bunch of people at his wife’s office Christmas party.
About to prop up a cardboard box with a stick on a string and put a hoodie under it.
[Afterlife]
“I died in WW2 fighting nazis”
“I died in Syria fighting terrorists”
Me: (confidently) you guys heard of the tide pod challenge?
[first day at coaching job where I lied pretty badly on my resume]
ok guys, get out there & do some of those *looks at clipboard* slum danks
I’d love this…lol
I say “Mmmmhmmmm” to 99% of the questions my kids ask me until I notice them looking horrified and then I go, “Wait! What??? NO!”
Breaking news!? Shark sighting off Daytona shores. It’s the ocean! That’s where they live. I saw a bird in the sky. Report that too!
4 y.o: I used the potty. Can I have a treat?
Me: No. You always go in the potty
4: I can stop
Me:
Apparently I negotiate with terrorists
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who demanded to use a fork to eat his soup and can’t eat his soup
Feeling invisible and unnoticed?
Put in your ear buds and they won’t shut the hell up.
Money is the root of all wealth
How long does it take for an avocado to brown after you cut it nevermind.
My son has to write 5 sentences tonight.
Our family thanks you for your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Nothing prepares you for the day your adult son starts sharing sexual jokes in the family group text.
Candlesticks, for when you want to be stylish but also might need a murder weapon.
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not buying McDonald’s. What do you want me to make?
Child: A Big Mac.
Just hear me out, a blood oath, but with melted cheese.
WIFE: Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *thinking about how penguins could probably fly if they just believed in themselves more* Just work stuff
[walks up to guys playing basketball]
“mind if I join?”
you any good?
Hell yeah I’m good. Toss me the orange sphere
HER: I love Deadpool
ME: I love Dead Pool
HER: Oh, cool, you read comics too?
ME: *staring out at pond where I toss victims’ bodies* Hmm?
Forgot the word for flamingo earlier so I called it a karate turkey.
[meeting Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson at Comic-Con]
THE ROCK: You want me to autograph your jar of pickles?
ME: What? No, I want you to open it for me.