Me: whaddu mean “no”
Donut shop employee: we cannot pump the custard directly into your mouth to “save hella time”
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So instead of doing laundry I just spent 2 solid hours ranking my laundry baskets from favorite to least favorite.
You can tell a lot about people, you just don’t need to.
My favorite part of the Bible is where Jesus gives money to the rich, tells the poor to suck it up and asks for Caesar’s birth certificate.
Humans are 58% water. Jellyfish are 95% water. Therefore, humans are 61% jellyfish.
I grew up in the 70s. If there was a bowl of fruit on the kitchen table it was made out of plastic and lead paint
[at a restaurant]
Her: I’m going with meatloaf
Me: *crying* I hope you guys are happy together
Engraved on my tombstone:
No matter how the ground shakes
or what you hear,
please do not dig me up.Especially at night.
What’s the difference between a sweet potato that you take out of an oven and a pig you throw out the window?
One is a heated yam, and the other is a yeeted ham….
*job interview*
“So this yearbook isn’t your resume?”
“No. I’m not a moron. Those are my references. I highlighted all the NEVER CHANGE’s.”
*shakes the ATM like it’s a vending machine*
M-I can’t go. My Ewok is sick.
H-Gigi that’s a stuffed animal.
M-
H-
M-Crap. I think you’re right. I bet he ate all my Doritos again.
I’m Asian, but not wears a kimono, eats dogs, owns a bonsai tree, knows how to use chopsticks, waxes on waxes off, good at the math, Asian.
Then she had the nerve to tell me I had control issues!
I’ll do this part. *takes scalpel from my surgeon*
Surgeon: You should be asleep.
My 5-year-old just muttered “Time for plan L.”
I don’t know what plans A through K were, but it sounds like he’s having a worse day than me
Why do I always zone out when the server reads back my order? They could be saying “lobster dinners for everyone in the restaurant” and I’d say yeah.
God: You’ll be cursed to travel the desert for 35 years
Moses: *slipping him $20* How about 30
[Later]
Moses: We must wander for 40 years
this is my fancy nightgown it only has one stain
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
I went from being mama, mommy, mom, brotato chip, bruh, to now “mother”. So formal all of a sudden.
Kevin Hart 🤣🤣🤣
This white lady just whispered to her husband “there’s so many Asian people”… ma’m this is a flight to Japan
Protip: To get teens to help bring in groceries, always ask if they want anything before you leave. They’ll be waiting at the door when you return.
ME: it’s spelled “kevin” but pronounced “kev-a-vin”
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
ME: you haven’t even hired me yet
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
My girlfriend will only have sex with me if i imitate her favourite electrical appliance. Tbh i’m not a fan
I’m sorry for the things I said when you opened a new gallon of milk when there was one already open
-Someone keeps phoning up pretending to be my grandmother. It’s a prank, I don’t know what else to call it.
-Shenanigan?
-Don’t you start.
[Putting petrol in car]
19.95
19.96
19.97
[stops]
[gently now]19.98
[very gently]
19.99
[ok, once more]
[deep breath]37.83
GODDAMMIT
canadian assassins are called killergrams
Don’t you just hate it when you order a book called “Cooking with children” and none of the recipes involves them as an ingredient?