me: What? A lot of people launch shopping carts across parking lots
wife: Yeah but they take the kid out first!
son *screaming*
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When people start mentioning their doctoral degrees at dinner parties I find a way to slip it into the conversation that I’ve read all 6 Harry Potter books.
Just read a few inspirational tweets about courage and confidence and GUESS WHO IS GOING TO ROB A BANK TONIGHT?!!
Ex: will you take me out for my birthday?
Me, grabbing my pistol: I thought you’d never ask
“Every dog has his day,” they used to say. Still, no one was quite prepared that morning Emperor Mister Pickles marched his army into town.
Pretty lame how horses and dogs don’t capitalize on their ability to wear 2 pairs of jean shorts at once
mobster: *choking me with garrote*
me: ok NOW I’m wearing a wire lol
Ok I’ll bite, what is elon musk
Imagine accidentally walking in on someone in the bathroom who’s not on their phone.
Just sitting there, hands on their lap like a psychopath.
I think it’s weird how President Obama appointed George Clooney Secretary Of Handsome. #DNC
[pet store]
Me: your parrot called me a cracker.
Manager: maybe he was asking..
[from the back] TALK YOUR SHIT WHITE BOY *parrot whistle*
“Up for anything unless my gout flares up.”
– from my dating profile
As a kid my mom laughed at me because I was always worrying about being shot with a crossbow while on the toilet. Well who’s laughing now?
Once Bezos is in space we are going to have just 11 minutes to change the locks on the entire planet. It’s going to be tight; we can do it.
Beef and broccoli with calrose rice is on the menu tonight. If you’re coming over, bring condoms. (Just checking to see if you actually read this shit or just blindly RT)
Remember, when you’re driving in the snow, it’s important to speed up and go as fast as you can so you don’t get stuck.
I yell at couples buying houses like normal people yell at sports on tv
After I saw that my wife “Checked In” to the mall I called to report her credit cards stolen.
I think I may have screwed up. When I saw on here how the ladies liked the dad bod I went and got 3.
me: [taking off shirt]
wife: woah slow down there bud
me: [sadly buttoning] so we’re not having spaghetti tonight?
When I die, please put my dead body on a roller coaster but don’t buckle me in
*sees “The customer is always right” sign*
*the waiter sees me looking at it and mouths “not you”*
The potato masher IS the Gatekeeper of the utensil drawer, don’t piss her off.
As an aging millennial you may recognize me from popular hits such as, ‘I need to pencil in my eyebrows’ and ‘Omg this grocery store is playing my jams’
[Sunday morning]
*congregation of Catholics disagrees with priest and walks out of church*
– mass unfollowing
[job interview]
Interviewer: It says here that you are a blowfish. Would you care to expand?
I think people would be more into libraries if you didn’t get your card revoked every time you climb to the top of the bookshelf to reach for an ancient spellbook thereby knocking one shelf into another and so forth in a domino-like fashion until the entire library is wreckage
I’m stranded on a dessert island. Do not send help.
My husband has officially reached peak dad status.
Driving through Sequoia National Park and he turned the radio off so everyone could see.
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck.
Losing your phone is the adult version of having your balloon fly away.