Me: What are my choices again?
Pollster: Donald Trump…
Me: Or?
Pollster: Puppymonkeybaby.
Me: …
Pollster: Well?
Me: I’m thinking.
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To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia
Opened the back door and a tiny lizard fell from the sky. It’s either a sign, or the smallest plague ever.
My 2yo is going around pretending to call everyone. When he got to his brother, my 5yo didn’t even look up from playing, responding, “I can’t talk now, my phone is dead. Bye.”
My husband sent me a text using just emojis and it’s weird, you would think he would know by now that I don’t even like eggplant.
I accept CASH APOLOGIES ONLY. Thats why its called ACCOUNTABILITY…it goes into my ACCOUNT
Me: look at this stupid thing lol
Person I want to like me: actually I studied that thing at sea for 3 decades and it’s like a father to me
Face down, ass up, that’s the way I like to… get the stupid cat toys out from underneath all of my furniture.
People who finish their entire stick of lip balm without losing it first should be the only ones allowed to have kids.
My friend showed me how they fixed the water stain on the ceiling in their office.
*slides into home plate and crowd goes wild*
Hey everybody, be quiet for a minute!
*pulls out phone, dials number*
Hi mom, I got home safe.
MY LAST MEAL ON DEATH ROW WILL BE RICE CAKES CAUSE THEY NEVER FILL ME UP AND I’LL JUST KEEP EATING UNTIL ALL THE GUARDS DIE
How powerful must it feel for the dentist to start referring to your teeth by their secret “numbers” to the hygienist
HER: so I hear you’re a runner
ME: yes
OTHER COP: *handcuffs me to the desk* good to know
Slowly descending into madness anyone want anything?
Me: So, where are you from?
Her: I’m from Canada.
Me: Wow, your English is great!
The 6yo told my husband to be a dear, which seemed weirdly old-fashioned until I realized it was deer and he wanted to attack him with a toy cheetah
ME: [bumps man]
MAN: [spills coffee] Say sorry
ME: No
MAN: Then I’ll see you in court
ME: [remembers I own a camouflage suit] You won’t
I’m dealing with my anger issues one chicken wing at a time.
Please. Stop. Tweeting. Stop. Like. Stop.This.Stop. It. Stop. Looks.stop.Like.stop A stop.Telegram.stop so. Stop. Please. Stop!
Anime henchmen two seconds after the protagonist resheaths his sword
5 year old: Mommy, I traded 31 emeralds for 41 bread!
Me: Cool! I just did that at Whole Foods
If a huge beast told me not to go in one hallway of his extremely haunted house I’d be like “that sounds right” and never go there. But no one wants to sing about that. No candles want to sing about common sense.
Not to brag but I can keep up with the fast part of the chicken dance…
Don’t forget when you’re tanning nude in your backyard that someone is zooming in on you from google earth satellite. You’re welcome.
Keep in mind that “The Cat in the Hat” is a lesson to your kids on how to throw a house party when you’re gone…
What kind of crime would I have to commit in order to get the FBI to come in here and dust?
[The Beatles writing Here Comes The Sun]
Paul: so what should come after here comes the sun?
[Ringo screams from bathroom]: Doo Doo, Doo Doo
Welcome to twitter, the support group for people who like people who don’t like people.
Jurassic Park is my favorite movie about how humans get on everybody’s nerves.