Me: What are we doing for Valentine’s Day?
My Husband: Raising three kids
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Netflix documentaries convinced me I should be vegan. So I did what any American would do. I bought some bacon and canceled Netflix.
I’m not a doctor, which is why I’m able to offer surgeries for so much less than my competitors.
Donner? Party of 87? Your table is ready.
*hurls Scrabble board at you*
[uses your words against you]
“I made a meal out of Rosemary tonight. Smell my fingers”
*Dating a girl named after a spice is awkward
Every time someone in a movie is being stalked, it’s like they can’t even hear the suspenseful music.
*stops by new neighbor*
Welcome, I brought you a cake!
-Wow, thank you! You know, you didn’t have to do that!
Oh, ok.
*walks away with cake*
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”
“Hi-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Do y-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Excuse m-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“I JUST WANNA KNOW WHERE THE BATHROOM IS.”
buy a fitted sheet one size bigger than your mattress and start living your life
Oh sure, the continents get to drift forever and it’s “a natural geologic process” but when I do it I’m “wasting my potential.”
Weirdos gonna weird.
*power goes out*
wife: Great, I just bought ice cream
me [already eating it] I’m on it
A good way to get kicked out of church is to shout “HOLE!” after every chorus of “Glory, Glory, Glory”.
joker: if you kill me, you can save all these people
batman: no, if i kill you, that means that i’m no different from you
joker:
batman:
joker: have you ever heard of the trolley problem
A shark, a crocodile and a giant spider walk into a bar.
There’s no punchline. It’s just a typical night in Australia.
Then suddenly you’re a mom declaring ownership over swept dirt on the kitchen floor yelling DON’T YOU DARE WALK THROUGH MY DIRT PILE
🤣✨#caturday
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy John charge his wife for martinis
Random person outside of Target: is it ok if I pray for you?
Me: sure! While you’re at it can you pray they never find the knife and blood soaked clothes I buried? Kthanks!
As a tall girl, spending less time on Twitter was a business decision that I made after discovering that my arms have a longer reach than my tweets.
I’m a social vegan, I don’t like meet.
[grocery store robbery]
ROBBER: *sets gun on conveyor belt so cashier sees*
ME(next in line): *slowly places grocery separator behind gun*
*Incorporates drinking with exercising by walking to the bar.
witch 1: i can’t find my broom
witch 2: that’s fine i can drive a stick
Jogging has never helped my memory.
“WHEN ARE U DUE?” WHAT DIFFERENCE COULD IT POSSIBLY MAKE IN YOUR LIFE AS A STRANGER AT THE GROCERY STORE
Starting a ride sharing service where you have the option to hook up with your driver called Ecarmony. Send.
The flower shop ladies are so judgmental. Seriously, all I asked them to do is wrap the flowers and write the note to my wife “Sorry for being a week late, Happy belated anniversary !”
Like a good neighbor
plow my driveway, not my wife