Me: what are we doing today
Trainer: let work on your forearms.
Me: but I only have 2
T: What?!?
Me: *whispers* I only have 2?
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If my dude is messaging you.. he’s your dude..
Keep. Him. 😂
[stuck at home]
son: omg so bored
daughter: omg so bored
wife: omg so bored
me: omg so bored
dog: this is the greatest day of my life
new challenge called “don’t say ‘woow it’s already dark by five these days’ for the rest of winter” challenge
A lot of people look at Russian roulette as a negative game, but statistically it’s actually one of the only games you can’t lose twice
A baby came out of my stomach and I was all “weird, I don’t remember eating that…”
I just shook my keyboard upside down. Breakfast is served.
Me: Teacher, is it pronounced neither or neither?
T: It’s neither.
Me: So they’re both wrong?
T: I say neither, but you can say either.
Me: It can’t be either neither, you have to pick a neither.
T: Neither the school nor your parents pay me enough for this shit.
INTERVIEWER: You worked in a NASCAR pit crew? How does that qualify you to work here at the Men’s Wearhou
*I’ve already changed his pants*
WIFE: Wanna split the last slice of pizza?
ME: Nah, you take it
KING SOLOMON (entering dramatically): You, sir, are the pizza’s real mother
ME: It’s a gun fight, don’t say you brought a knife
ALANIS MORRISETTE [brandishing 10,000 spoons] I’m not an idiot
If Home Depot doesn’t want me doing body rolls in the lumber aisle then they shouldn’t be playing Gloria Estefan.
Halloween is great bc kids just show up at your door and hold out bags of candy for you to steal
Is that a banana in your pocket or… oh wait that is a banana. Sir I’m with super market security. Please come with me.
Doing the splits is easy — slip on the first snowy step when taking the dog out and let gravity (and panic) make you an Olympic gymnast!
I walk into the bathroom only to be greeted by my dad’s masterpiece
I’m a people person. I live in a house home where I enjoy food meals and listening to music songs.
boy: i hate being poor
grandpa: were going to fun factory
mr chocolate: hello naughty children its murder time
It’s simple …..when life throws you assholes..rip them a new one.
Right now 36-year-old Meghan Markle is celebrating her marriage to a prince.
Right now 36-year-old me is celebrating the fact I found lasagna in the freezer.
Guess we’re both living the dream
Parents please check your children’s Halloween candy this year, I just found a Godzilla in a candy bar and this is just so dangerous.
Have you ever had a conversation with someone and realize half way through that you’re going to need crayons to explain it to them?
Me: Going to the concert with my friends now
Wife: Say hi to everyone for me![Later]
Me *individually greeting 10,000 people* this is exhausting
I never over sleep in the mornings
I set an alarm, a back up alarm, and a 4yo once those fail
7:01 AM: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Build your 3 year old a blanket fort.
7:10: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ play house.
7:45: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Resolve conflict between your 3 year old’s toys.
8:20: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Fix the blanket fort.
9:00 AM: Drink cold coffee.
If you love someone, give them a possum in a box. Then you’ll know how they react in a panic and you might change your mind.
This doctor once told me eating a bagel was like eating 5 slices of bread and I was like ok, cool, I like bread
Show me someone who says they haven’t used chemistry since school and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t ignore warnings on bathroom cleaners
[blind date]
Date: tell me about yourself in 6 words or less.
Me: I’m a creep, I’m a weirdo.
Date: [laughing] nice Radiohead reference!
Me: [laughing louder] what Radiohead reference?
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.