Me: What are you doing?
Husband: You said you wanted to wake up early
Me: Not this early
H: You don’t even know what time it is yet
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Just realized that the group therapy I attended weekly for three years was actually the waiting room of a local optometrist.
We haven’t seen the full damage this epidemic will cause, that will happen in about five to seven months with all of the gender reveal parties.
Aries: You will be visited by three ghosts this Christmas. They’re all married, so don’t even ask.
[Batman in tears]
Catwoman left me
Oh no what happened?!
I left the door open and she just bolted
no one ever talks about the cheerful reaper.
Dear resealable chocolate bag, your confidence in my self-control was truly inspiring. And you were delicious.
ZOMBIE: *squishing brains through fingers* got your knows
I’ve been told I look like a young Denzel Washington’s white neighbor.
love it when they get my name right
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
A girl named ReAnne laying in bed each night wondering if she had an older sister named Anne and where she went wrong
All liquor stores are open 24 hours. When you have a brick.
How did we decide to go with cockpit?
My coffee tastes like murder is off the table, for now.
Wife: you need to get rid of these jeans.
Me: but I’ve had them forever.
Wife: exactly!
Me: I love them and by keeping them I’m reducing my carbon footprint. Fast fashion etc.
Wife: there’s a giant crotch hole in them. I can see your balls.
Me: you’re welcome?
Wife: no.
Ive been so busy photoshopping memories for my daughter. Now she can remember the time we went to the running of the bulls in Spain.
This is funnier than it should be. 😂
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
I’m tempted to start throwing glitter at people who refuse to wear masks. So sorry it got in your mouth and up your nose, I bet a mask would have prevented that.
me: *goes outside during the day* why is the moon is so spicy
Following politics is fun cuz it combines the entertainment of reality TV with the thrill of possibly dying in real life
How many raisins do I have to add to this bag of M&Ms before it qualifies as trail mix? One? I say one.
Getting a lawn sign so people know what i think today.
I can finish The Times’ crossword in under five minutes but I struggle to eat the whole paper
A lot of people cry when they chop onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.
Please don’t ride with me if you’re gonna grab the dash or scream every time I hit a curb.
You’ll make me nervous.
You want me to make up a word for the period of my life before I became a mailman?
That’s preposterous
I always have the urge to bite and I hate garlic, I hope they’re signs.