Me: What are you doing sweet girl
4yo: Making my dolls eat brains.Help.
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[runs up to a group of people]
ME: ZACK ATTACK
GUY: lol is your name zack or—
[thousands of bros crest a nearby hill]
ME: [whispering] RUN
Are they bowling to earn soup or bowling on behalf of soup
My parents kept me humble from a young age by sarcastically asking “How do you think you’re paying for that, with your good looks?”
Just seconds before we make the jump to light speed the captain nears my console to check my calculations. I minimise solitaire just in time
[commercial]
“This commercial is so confusing. I wish they would just tell us what they’re selling”
narrator: Narrators
Be specific when saying “BYOB”:
[bursts into house]
Hey, I brought beers!
*7 pastors wives shut their Bibles disapprovingly*
“He is woke.” – Millenial Easter
IF SEAL IS BROKEN, PLEASE NOTIFY ZOOKEEPER IMMEDIATELY
“Dad, how’d you get that scar on your forehead?”
[flashback to roller skating into a street pole while taking a Polaroid selfie]
‘Nam…
I ate a tomato slice off the carpet. And some lettuce. And some bleu cheese bits. And mushrooms. I’m saying I dropped my salad on the floor.
“Night shift again, Harry?”
“Someone has to patrol the streets.”
“Get you something to eat?”
“How’s the tuna today?”
“Edible.”
“I’ll have a sammich then, Doreen.”
“You got it, hon. Back in a jiffy.”
told my kids they were allowed to hit each other once per day so they should really think it through and not waste their one hit and now they’re calmly discussing when might be the best time to hit each other (but the actual hitting has stopped, I’m a genius)
One time I screamed so hard about a professional athlete not playing through an injury I blew out my back and couldn’t work for a week.
I love how this generation broke the previous misconception that “people with tattoos can’t get good jobs” and now we all agree that “people with and without tattoos can’t get good jobs”.
1: Can I do the cancan?
2: You mean may, not can
1: Can I do the canmay?
2: No, the first can
1: Can I do the maycan?
2: No. May I do the cancan
1: No
Not sure if I washed the spider down the drain in my shower or if he took one look at me naked and then leapt willingly to his death.
whatcha thinkin bout
Five Guys: that’ll be $75
Me: [just won the lottery] put another guy in there
In the movie Titanic it always bugged me that she stayed on the raft when clearly she had more body fat for warmth.
Who thought blowing out candles on a cake was a good tradition? Ah yes; wax would go well with this cake and you know what else? Child spit.
I just saw a reel where a momfluencer claims that if you just play with your toddler for 15 minutes a day, they won’t have tantrums, and I’m pretty sure this woman has never met a toddler in her life
If my body was covered entirely in eyeballs, I still couldn’t look at you enough.
*me being romantic*
I appreciate the sun for always moving in the sky in a predictable way but I also respect the moon for just kind of doing whatever
I’m just eating cereal out of a bucket now, like a horse
me writing at 3am: holy shit….. this is so good when did i become this talented
me reading what i wrote the next day: he roled he’s eye
“there’s no word that contains all the vowels in order”, I said facetiously
(6yo student hugging me first thing in the morning, head against my jacket)
Me: You were absent yesterday. Were you sick?
6yo: No, I had lice.
I’m not saying my kids come to me for everything but if I was on fire & my husband was 10 feet away, they’d still ask me for a snack.
2020 has lasted five years but October only lasted a week.
My spouse is “attending” a virtual conference for the next few days. To help simulate the real thing, I’ll set out a picked-over tray of mini-muffins, soggy cut fruit, and some weak coffee, and then whisk them away just as he approaches the table.