Me: What are you up to?
Her: I’m making Chinese.
Me: Cloning’s unethical. Hahaha just kidding. Make me a math tutor.
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i just went through my sons belongings and i think he might be cheating at chess
I’m not saying your perfume is too strong. I’m just saying the canary was alive before you got here.
*sees a hot christian girl*
Me: I am christian now,where do i get one of those plus signs?
Friend: That’s a cross.
Me: across from where?
Can’t talk, competitively eating
*sharing nachos with my 17yo son
If anyone asks, I’m only watching three shirtless buff guys work on the neighbour’s roof because home improvement projects are super educational.
me: i would like a *prepares to wow vietnamese waiter with my attention to pronunciation* “pho”
korean waiter: we do not serve this dish
When I’m making the bed, my dogs ride the covers like little surfers without surfboards.
If they had surfboards, that would just be ridiculous.
Donald Trump is probably the closest we’ll ever get to electing Eric Cartman president.
if u ever feel insecure just remember that there is at least one couple where your name is a sensitive topic. kinda sexy of you to be that important
Do your part as a parent by helping prevent teen pregnancy.
Let your child play the tuba.
Tuba players never get laid.
The best way to meet new women is outside a sex change clinic.
You can’t get pregnant from sex with a condom, only from sex with a person
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
“Linda Hamilton has already saved the world three times. Let the poor woman rest, people.”
-my husband, watching the trailer for the new Terminator movie
me: ah, now I will drift gently off to dreamland.
refrigerator: I SHALL MAKE US SOME ICE CUBES
GENIE 1: he wanted money so i made him a bank robber, ha
GENIE 2: i just…gave mine money
GENIE 1: LMAO YOU GUYS, JERRY JUST GAVE IT TO HIM
taking a hotdog out of the microwave and checking it with a meat thermometer then frowning and putting it back in
Welcome to your 50s. You used to be a lot taller.
My politics are simple: one day I will be eaten by a gigantic worm. And anyone who tries to stop that from happening is my enemy
I’m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.
I’m exhausted from imagining a clean house all day.
What did one tectonic plate say to another when he bumped into the other?
Sorry! My Fault!
This is the greatest Twitter thread ever
Alfred: About your girlfriend Catwoman…
Batman: Yes, she’s a thief, but-
A: No, she pooped on the rug again. Right next to the litter box!
[undercover FBI agent steps out of his surveillance van, knocks on my front door] do you ever stop eating?
Customer: Excuse me, are you the manager? Those Xmas Hams are expired
Manager: Um…
[changes sign to “Vintage Hams”]Hipster: I’ll take 4
Teenage son gets academic honors every year in school, yet he can’t cut a straight line with a lawnmower. I believe I am being played……
“Is that on Netflix?” I ask, with no intention of ever watching it
I’m gonna nail horseshoes on my nikes and gallop behind joggers
My ex-husband’s mother invited me to lunch for my birthday and tbh, I’d rather be torn apart by wolverines and thrown into a vat of acid so naturally, I told her I’d check my schedule.