Me: What did she say about me?
Friend: She said you ask too many questions
Me: She said that? Too many questions? Really? Me? …What else?
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I saw my dog eat yellow snow this weekend… and I’d still take her advice before yours.
TOUCH NOT MY PONDERING CRYSTAL
The sooner you admit that you’ve made a mistake, the sooner you can move on to making bigger and better mistakes.
[becomes allergic to the floor midway through a date & slowly floats out of a window]
I could never be an Instagram mom influencer. For starters, I wouldn’t be able to give my kids a name like Banjo or Parmesan or Chandelier.
Me: I’m going to start eating healthier!
*buys exactly the same groceries + 1 carrot*
Me: Nailed it.
I asked the wife what she wanted for her birthday and all she said was ‘after all this time you know what I like, surprise me’.
Anyone know how to go about the harvesting and storing of souls?
me sitting in the theater waiting for the batman to start
If your new boyfriend carved your initials into a tree on your first date, let the fact he brought a knife be a sign of things to come.
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
I’m old enough to be your uncle…your sexy uncle
murderer: run if you want to live
me: *starts sprinting*
murderer: not like toward me tho
Capt of Titanic: “Mayday! We are sinking”
Coastguard: “What happened?”
*Cthulhu makes throat-slit gesture with tentacle*
Capt: “Iceberg”
paramedic arriving on the scene: oh my god his face is totally disfigured
me: [only hurt my leg] what
I’ll bet my mom’s up in heaven right now, smiling, thinking, “Wow, it was really nice of them to let me out of hell for the day.”
peppa pig implies the existence of salt pig
The only sunscreen that’s 100% effective is abstinence
Remember kids, those light up sneakers won’t seem so cool when wolves are chasing you through the woods at night.
I just saw my dad screenshot all by himself,they grow up so fast
Whenever a friends says “Join the gym with me” I say, “Go to church with my Mom for me”. Shuts ‘em up every time.
Someone in South Korea accused North Korea of having assassination squads.
That’s a lie.
On an unrelated note, I need that guy’s address.
Twitter is like Words With Sociopaths.
Almost got asked for ID this morning!
Ok, most of my face was covered by a mask but I’m still having it!
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
*Googles “exercise apps for lazy people”*
*Downloads five apps*
That should do it for today.
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 24 years. I think they can’t find me.
i don’t delete messages just incase someone wanna lie about may 20th 1984
When a cop tells you to “spread ’em” he is not flirting. I know this now.
I have to find the recorder the school sent home last year, or something terrible will happen. The school will send home another recorder.
What do you mean I overthink things (as I wonder if I hurt my dog’s feelings by liking cat videos on Instagram)?