Me: What did you do today while I was at work?
Dog: Me? Nothing. Just slept.
Me: I think you’re lying.
Dog: *visibly sweating* why do you say that?
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My daughter is playing “you can’t find me, Mommy”… I’m playing “I’m not trying, Suckaaaa”.
i want to work in this restaurant
Winter can cause potentially deadly situations like icy roads, hypothermia, and the much feared man cold.
“PARKOUR!” – me, after tripping over nothing on the sidewalk
There are actually only two stages of parenthood: having children, and having children who can reach things on countertops.
My sister just had a baby and I texted the family group chat “oh shit new nephew just dropped” and no one found it funny they were just ashamed of me, which they should be
3yo: Do you want to play princesses with me?
Me: Of course!
3yo: Ok, I’ll be Ariel. Who do you want to be?
Me: Sleeping Beauty.
3yo: How come you always pick her?
Me:
3yo:
Me: *already asleep on the couch*
Tell me a story and include details but not too many details like I don’t need to know about a suspicious mole
Doctor: Questions?
Me: How do I know if my baby is a raptor?
Him:
Me
Him: She’s a baby
Me: That’s what a raptor would want me to think.
[after lover’s spat]
ME: Honey. Lamb chop. Sweetie cakes.
HER: You’re just naming foods.
ME: Pumpkin. Muffin.
HER: …
ME: Zucchini bread.
husband just asked what I’ll do with my spare time when we finally finish all the renovations to our house and I said I’m gonna build a scale model of redwall abbey in the garden for the field mice and I think he thought I was joking
Authentic isn’t automatically good. You could be an authentic douchebag.
Boss: Did you bring the reports?
Me: Hold on.
*reaches into pockets and pulls out two middle fingers*
Boss: I resign. You’re the boss now.
Just finished the first chapter of this novel. Tons of characters with the same name and really hard to follow.
Sir, that’s a phone book.
When you look up from your phone only to realize that the woman at the grocery store you’ve been following is not your wife.
Just heard someone refer to their dog as their daughter. If I’d known I could pull that bullshit off I never would have had an actual child.
I think semi-colons have gotten a bad rap. They should be re-branded as super-commas.
No thanks, Trix cereal. I have enough drama in my life without a rabbit trying to steal my breakfast.
“You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby. You gonna DIIIIIIIEEEEEEE!!!! …Only Kidding! Welcome to Red Lobster, party of 2?”
Her: (emerges from the sea, beach waves glistening in the sunshine)
Me: (washes ashore topless looking like Sigmund the Sea Monster)
we need a disney princess who is the shark from the movie Jaws
[Murder mystery dinner]
ACTOR: The inn keeper was found mutilated in a broom closet.
ME: (from the back of the room) When’s dinner?
Boxing is like a dance, a dance where you punch your dance partner until he doesn’t want to dance anymore.
“Sorry, could I just squeeze by?”
<person doesn’t move an inch>
“Thanks”
A lot of women think you have to chose between a career and a family, but I’m here to tell you that you can have neither.
[boss finds pics of me snowboarding]
“You missed work bc you said you were sick…& judging from these pics, YOU WERENT LYING”
*fist bump*
Dream inside a dream
– inceptionInn inside an inn
– innceptionRe: Re:
– receptionRe: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re:
– email from your gran
Finally found a job ad that didn’t mention ‘attention to detail’ or ‘team player’. Finally!
All these laws are really getting in the way of my driving.
My 6yo just told me that because I need music to get motivated that makes me ‘radioactive’