me: what did you have for snack at preschool today?
4yo: well it was a munching thing and it looked like a square taco but it wasn’t a chocolate cookie
me:
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If I worked in a used record store I would tell every customer “all sales are vinyl” until I was fired.
It would be worth it.
Of course when Godzilla destroys the city is the same day I wear flip flops and no belt!
British people be like I’m Bri ish
All I got for Christmas was a sweater, I would’ve preferred a moaner or a biter.
[first date]
DATE: I think cat people are psychopaths
ME: *slowly pushes date’s coffee off table*
When you’re a twin and you gotta give someone a gift on your own birthday.
my boss was like “people working from home are just pretending to work” and it’s like, dude, what do you think i’m doing in the office?
Imagine living in Canada and riding a moose everywhere you go
Since the summer Olympics got postponed a year, that means I still have time to master ribbon gymnastics.
So a baby crawls across the floor to it’s bottle and it’s cute but when I do it Im in need of an intervention?
awareness is a funny thing. within a ten minute period my daughter went from not knowing about dinosaurs to sobbing hysterically about the evil planet earth that killed her potential best friend, the pterodactyls
FRIEND: do you drive stick?
ME: no I drive car.
just having fun
13: I found a baggie of pot.
M: *takes it* Thank you, bringing it to an adult was the right thing to do. Now go outside and play for 3 hrs.
*wife hangs a “No Diving” sign above the tub like that’s going to stop me*
When businesses reach out to tell me they miss me, I politely remind them I’m married.
One time I smashed my face into a keyboard and accidentally wrote the fifth Twilight book.
I’m 43 years old, and 1995 was 4 years ago, but 2003 was somehow 30.
I just don’t understand how moats ever went out of style.
[on the phone]
me: i let the cat out of the bag
sis: what??
me: …too early at the vet and she hid under the desk
sis: oh phew
me: then i spilled the beans
sis: what?!
me: …all over the floor at dinner
sis: omg ok
me: also i told mum you’re pregnant okiloveyoubye
My wife just confessed that for her entire childhood she thought Colonel Sanders’ bow tie was his whole body and now I can’t stop seeing a tiny stick body every time I look at him.
*sees co-worker outside of work, hisses like a cat*
“nft” sounds like an onomatopoeia of a little toot sneaking out
Are “authorities” ever not ” baffled?”
Mcdonalds showing people doing yoga in their commercials is like George Bush having a library named after him.
Once my wife accidentally put in the wrong gate code to get into my parents neighborhood. The guy who answered was extremely rude and made both her and my daughter cry. I now purposely put in his code every time I visit just to make his phone ring.
You know you’re old when you get a “You up?” text….
And it’s 8:25 p.m.
friend: you have to stop envying every single person you know when they find success in something you haven’t. it’s destroying your mental health and poisoning your relationships with your friends.
me: (immediately envious of their maturity and clarity of thought) right. totally
Some dude was bragging about his brother being a navy seal and it’s like…I don’t care what colour he is, why is your brother a seal
Your wife is beautiful, is she single?