me: what do u mean my friend cant come in
bouncer: theres no way hes 21
me: but-
stuart little: dude its fine lets just go
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Another impossible beauty standard for women to live up to
*pokes forehead*
Is this thing on ?
I’m going back to work tomorrow after the holiday break, which means playing that annual game:
What food is rotting in the office kitchen?
The most dangerous types of canoes are volcanoes.
Oh, you don’t have a Valentine for Valentine’s Day? I didn’t have a groundhog for Groundhog Day.
Did you even think about that??
I was downtown today on the sidewalk screaming at a plastic bag I thought was a ghost and then I saw you see me and then you crossed the street and now I need to tell you in person I know it wasn’t a ghost so when you hear tapping at your backdoor tonight just come out please.
QUESTION: What were the very first straws made of? ANSWER: Straw.
Boy, are you a destination wedding? Cuz I can’t come.
It was pouring rain. As I walked into the store, my feet slipped & I slid toward a random man walking out. He had a huge bag of pet food on his shoulder. The panicked look on his face as he tried to decide whether to drop the bag & grab me or NOT was a like a whole Russian novel.
My neighbors are arguing. So I threw 6 shoes in the dryer. They haven’t said a word since.
Hitmen probably get so annoyed when you spot the red laser dot and try to catch it like a cat.
Our descendants will have smart toilets that will alert them to internal illnesses and trends in their diets just from their daily constitutional. I’m so glad I’ll be dead by then.
Studies show that, on average, humans kept in cubicles live just as long as free-range humans.
Me: I’ve decided to be the girl from The Grudge.
Friend: For Halloween?
Me: For what?
There are exactly two (2) kinds of names in DnD
1) Ephena Solancae Diuturna of Theviara II
2) Smork Dirtbag
[Olympic Swimming]
CANADIAN ANNOUNCER: I feel bad for the water look how hard they’re kicking it.
Today’s affirmation:
I am open to recieving pizza. I deserve a life that is abundant in pizza. I surround myself with people who have pizza. Pizza.
My mom always put safety first. She used to warn me about running with scissors as we rode in her convertible with no seatbelts going 80 mph on the highway after she had a few beers.
The best thing about a rabbit is it doesn’t matter how bad a lay you are, everyone compares good sex to you.
if at first you don’t succeed that’s so embarrassing why are you so bad at this
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 307 times you must be a suitcase on the baggage carousel that looks like mine.
Back to the Future IV: Marty Mcfly stops being obsessed with his own family and goes back in time to kill Hitler.
I’ve lost more friends to Candy Crush than Crystal Meth.
*sees people doing the mannequin challenge, brings back ice bucket challenge and dumps it on mannequin people*
Poured Tresemmé on a spider in the shower & scooted him down the drain, he reemerged w/ voluminous hair & screamed at me in a French accent
Twitter is composed of all the kids who used to giggle in sex ed
[Blind date]
Him: Why didn’t you tell me you were in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: Why didn’t you tell me you could walk?
To tell the difference between an African and an Indian elephant, you look at its ears, then lift one up and shout “WHERE ARE YOU FROM M8?”
When my phone rings, I stay very, very still. If I don’t move, it can’t see me.
Noah could only fish twice.
Why?
He only had two worms.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes