me: what do we say if a stranger tries to give us candy?
5:
me:
5: we say thank you
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Me at 15: I can’t wait to have an apartment and cook myself nice dinners every night 🙂
Me now: today I put a strawberry poptart in between 2 brown sugar cinnamon poptarts; I call it ‘The Berry Delight’ and it is bad
The English are truly the most remarkable people to ever exist. They traveled all across the world and saw food from every culture, and were just like “no thanks we already have beans on toast.”
[leaving the inventor of the piñata’s funeral] good lord
MY GRANDMA: You need to get John more than 1 present this year.
MY DAD: Ugh fine.
[My Birthday]
DAD: Open this one.
ME: ITS A- shoe? It’s one shoe.
DAD: Now open this one.
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
DOG DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: Please assume the correct position for operating a vehicle.
DOG STUDENT: *sticks head out window*
DDI: Excellent.
I should have seen this breakup coming…. The nicest thing she ever said to me was,
“Oh wow, that car almost hit you.”
Padmé: Dating is scaring. I just want to find a nice guy who’s not going to murder me.
Anakin: You’ve chosen wisely.
I stuff the hamster bubble with Cheetos and roll it across the room to you like a bowling ball. You don’t know what the hell just happened… but you’re in love.
Me: there’s only one thing about Halloween that really scares me
Her: which is?
Me: exactly
It’s getting Hot In Herre, so take off all your clothes! Also, drink this water because I don’t want you to get dehydrated.
-Nervous Nelly
Imagine the trouble she has trying to introduce herself in France.
Everyone in the gym on January 1st
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
Sad to see Kamala Harris drop out. I didn’t like her policies but she was the candidate most likely to build a RoboCop
My great grandmother used say that things were better in Russia before the revolution, but I think she was being Tsarcastic.
Men’s underwear should be called “manhole covers”
It’s not that I don’t like the roomba, its just that my expectations were set unreasonably high from watching the Jetsons.
who called it hell and not heaven’t
Wife: *on phone* our son is on the ceiling, I think he’s possessed
Me: by Spider-Man?
Wife: his head just spun around
Me: *eyes narrow* Owl-Man
Still boggled by the people I know who are going out to bars saying “we can defeat this if we’re not afraid” and I’m like “this isn’t Pennywise it’s a PANDEMIC”
*Googles Yahoo*
Google: Wow. I’m right here
The best way to express your disagreement is by slapping people with a fish.
[First date] You didn’t google the menu before you came to the restaurant? This isn’t going to work.
Always the sasquatch in chains in the back of a pick up truck, never the bride.
I thought I saw a spider on the floor…Turns out it was a paper clip.
It’s dead now.
No need to panic.
Cop: I can only hold you for another hour
Criminal: Then you’re just gonna let me go?!
Cop: You know I gotta work, babe
I imagine by now all you Evian drinkers have read the name backwards?
Overheard in 2nd grade class today:
“Do your work! Santa’s watching right now.”
“Yeah, my mom told me that ship has sailed for me long ago.”
I get it crossfitters, if I did that I’d be angry, too.